Please tell everyone you know about this

I'm not kidding. We all knew Sarah Palin was a mentalist, but this is far too weird. Go to Huffington Post to read the accompanying story. Video is about Palin's crazy church who are actively training teenagers to take over the world. I shit you not.

Cellphone anointing.

"To be able to step into the job of the presidency on day one"

Go Campbell Brown of CNN. She absolutely grilled Tucker Bounds (McCain's top spokesman) to the point of dead air. The McCain campaign so pissed off by the interview that they cancelled McCain's appearance on Larry King Live, saying that Brown had "gone over the line". What line? She asked questions, and poked holes in a bullshit arguement. Here's the line crossing:

To recap, here's what we've learned about Palin in the 5 days since we've heard of her:

• Palin is under investigation in a nasty conflict involving her sister, a state trooper, an ugly divorce and the firing of Alaska Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan.

• Alaska State Senate President Lyda Green told the Anchorage Daily News last Saturday that "she's not prepared to be Governor. How can she be prepared to be Vice President or President?"

• Maj. Gen. Craig Campbell, adjutant general of the Alaska National Guard, said he and Palin play no role in national defense activities; and in an interview with Alaska Business Monthly earlier this year she said "I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq."

• From 2003 to 2005 Sarah served as one of three directors of the "Ted Stevens Excellence in Public Service" lobbying group. In July 2008 the senior Alaska senator was indicted on seven counts of corruption.

• Members of a wierdo Alaskan secessionist party say Palin was a member in the 90s. They want to secede from the union that she and McCain want to lead.
  

• An Alaska State Senator has revealed that the McCain campaign is stalling an investigation of Sarah Palin.

• Palin has lobbyed to have polar bears removed from the endangered species list to make oil drilling in their habitats easier.
  

• Video footage reveals Palin talking to her church congregation about how her policies are "shaped" by God and that we need to pray for succesful completions of oil pipelines.

Well at least shes got the caribou hunting/Alaskan/pro-life/female/skidoo racing vote sewn up.

WTF, McCain FTW?

He's totally pulled a mental rabbit out of the hat here. John McCain has picked 44 year old Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his VP running mate. She's a "reformer" (which doesn't mean anything in the GOP), is younger than Obama, a former beauty queen, and a cynical choice who will undoubtedly help to drag across disenfranchised Hillary fans to the dark side. Hillary fans. How the world could do without them.

"In a moment of seriousness, I've gone and picked a nobody"

Anyway she's not all she's cracked up to be. An opponent of abortion rights, a member of the NRA (and avid hunter no less), and someone who - lets face it - wouldn't have stood a chance of being picked if McCain wasn't so desperate. Or so serious. Plus her kids have worse names than the Romneys: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig Paxson Van.

Absolut gobshite

It's incredible how the internets works. In less than five minutes I have gone from looking at a €45 bottle of water to laughing my ass off at the futility of life as an impressionable 13 year old in modern society...

1. Look at twentymajor's blog post about "bling water" being sold in Superquinn.
2. Search "bling water" on google as am wondering how water could cost that much, and what fucktards would buy it.
3. Discover that Paris Hilton was spotted pouring a bottle into her ratdog's bowl. That daft bint should be arrested again for inciting hatred.
4. Discover a new blog and a new word which I will appropriate: "asshat"
5. See a result "Where can i buy Bling water??? also is it alcoh..." and need to see if the suffix "olic" appears on the post as that would make the poster a complete idiot.
6. See that "olic" does in fact appear and laugh uncontrollably for a good 40 seconds. As the poster admits that they're only 13 and think that water is alcoholic I decide that their profile is a must see.
7. Not disappointed! Comedy gold ensues! Discover the selfishness of California lovers and the dichotomy of the iphone:
   
   things i hate: WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE " I LOVE CALIFORNIA" BUT NEVER HAVE EVEN BEEN THERE AND THEY TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME AND THEIR SCREENAME HAS LIKE CALI IN IT OR SOMETHING!!! SOOOO ANNOYING!!! also i hate iphones i just don't get the point of having a phone and an ipod i personally think they should be separate.
   
   
8. Even more laughter! Dillusional teenie also asks questions about finding an agent, how ebay works and how can she and her 5 bffs become famous. Absolut internets.
   

- click the pic -

Pathetic

You have nothing to be smiling about. Shame on you.

GYWO now on videobox

Get Your War On happened to be one of the funniest comic strips of all time (see example 1).


Anyway it's now animated and even funnier over on 236.com. Here's the first episode:

Not only soaked, but dumberer

Finally something to take our mind off the rain - the Leaving Cert results are out today and the most significant statistic is that over 22% of students sitting Maths papers failed. That is not good, especially for penny-counting recessionistas.

I was on holidays, hence the lack of posting. It was not a crisis of confidence as has been suggested. Anyway in the two weeks or so that I've been away a lot has happened in the news:

- The Olympics have started, as has the back slapping of China. Apparently this is still considered a sporting occasion despite the attendance of over 80 world leaders and the rest of the world's refusal to condemn the spending of $40 billion (4 times the 2012 projection) on the event while most of the country's citizens live in abject poverty. However I do fancy a flutter on Ireland getting at least one medal in boxing, and you can't help but be in awe of Michael "I'm running out of events" Phelps.

- The health service or lack thereof is shit. Ok so it's not news but the fact that since 2005 and an input of over €3 billion we have a total of 10 more beds than we used to. There were 283 people on trolleys last Wednesday.

- Vladimir Putin has shown the world that he is not fucking about anymore. Not only has he invaded Georgia, but one of his envoys talked about re-militarizing their Cuban bases. They're not protecting Russians in South Ossetia or Abkhazia, or else they wouldn't be now bombing the capital Tbilisi. Could it be because the only oil pipeline that runs to Europe from central Asia that doesn't traverse Russia is in....oh wait that's got to be coincidental. Surely the fact that Georgia is de-stabilizing the region of former CIS breakaway nations is the driving factor?

- Barack Obama's campaign is suffering from him being too good or something. Apparently people are getting tired of hearing about Obama, and his lead in some polls has closed to within a few points. He'll be alright though, because once the news slows down the Obamamania reporting and gives equal coverage to John McCain they'll realise what a dick he is.

- The rain. I won't go on about it but the double whammy of record breakers on Saturday is pretty impressive: the second wettest day since records began, plus more rain falling in under 24 hours than in a normal whole month of August.

- Lidltreats finished the €50 challenge and passed with flying colours.

- L'Oreal have decided somewhere along the way that Beyonce is too black.

Olympics getting closer as is certain death for misbehaving fans

Lifted directly from the Bejing 2008 website:

Like the Five Olympic Rings from which they draw their color and inspiration, Fuwa will serve as the Official Mascots of Beijing 2008 Olympic Games, carrying a message of friendship and peace -- and good wishes from China -- to children all over the world.


Example 1: "Friendship"

Example 2: "Peace" (yes that is a surface to air missile launcher)

Example 3: "Good Wishes from China"

Segway-riding, armour plated police replete with small guns so they don't fall off their segways. Wasn't this in a comedy?

On a Monday morning too! Disgraceful.

Click here

Friday Image

Continuing the theme and also raiding b3ta's Image Challenge - these are from their 'Ronseal Plots' series: Imagine a world where movies and books are titled like Ronseal products, with everything turning out exactly as it says on the tin. Then turn it into a lovely picture on the internet.

Can you feel the disgust?

I didn't make it Oxegen this year, but I did hear about some daft bint who climbed one of the support struts in a tent during MGMTs show. They had to stop playing for ages to coax the attention seeking muppet down. A few videos of the incident have appeared on youtube, but nothing captures the wrath and complete hate that she faced as this one:



I was at Oxegen a few years back watching WuTang Clan outside in the rain and someone climbed up the sound tent. Nobody gave a toss.

Lemony Snickets

Rosa Klebb, Nike Spokewoman

London's stab happy teens are out of control, with 53 deaths this year alone. It's an issue that everyone is aware of, and even the dog on the street has commented about it.

However, the fucktard marketers over at Nike missed it completely and have had to pull a range of sneakers from their flagship NikeTown London store due to their slightly insensitive name: Air Stab.

This beautifully titled shoe is from a limited edition range, which two years ago featured the line "runnin' and gunnin' on the inner lining. A spokesman for Nike said the name for the running shoes came from stability, and had nothing to do with knives. Yeah just like gunning had to do with Gunter von Hagens, the controversial anatomist who invented the technique for preserving biological tissue.

He said the retro range, which was only sold in the central London store, was "an unfortunate coincidence timing-wise". It's just a pity that some kids had to go and kill some other kids, putting back the launch of their highly anticipated sneaker. Now nobody gets the sneakers, which by the way are the ugliest sneakers I've seen since these hideous troll boots:

Totally Looks Like...

From those humourbots who brought you I Can Has Cheezburger and the partially funny website GraphJam comes their new, also partially funny website: Totally Looks Like.

Expect this to get big, especially when there is gold like this:


In related news, Nicolas Sarkozy looks like a dick.

Proof that squirrels are not cute

See, underneath all that bushy-tailed nut-nibbling cuteness is a dirty, rabies-carrying, baby-stealing rodent. Here's a link to squirrel recipes. My favourite is the "Squirrel Bog" - 4 boiled squirrels with sausage, carrots, celery and rice thats all cooked until "boggy". I'm not entirely sure that any food's consistency should be "boggy".


Hideous animal.

Google Trends shows me I've gone into internets recession

For those of you who haven't heard of Google Trends, it's a pretty cool tool that allows you to see what's popular in the world of internet searches.

I've just realised how sad that sounds. "...the world of internet searches"

Anyway it's a good way to lose a morning finding out what the world's most popular current searches are. So I took a look this morning and this is what I see:

I've just realised how far away from the pulse of internet culture I am. Defeating the purpose of Google Trends, I had to go and google some of the terms just to find out what they were...

1: iv real - still don't know what it means. Even the related searches bit doesn't make any sense
2: betty hutton - a 1950's American singer and actress
3: edgar casey - a misspelt search for Edgar Cayce, noted 1920's medium
4: pilobolus - a Connecticut based group of dancer-athletes
5: iphone 2.0 update - I've heard of this one
6: oe cake - from someone elses blog: "OE-Cake is just a demo of the octave engine." Fact.
7: boondock saints - A movie. A good one too apparently.
8: ladyboy luvin - Apple fanboy popular search while waiting for updates...
9: ipod touch 2.0 update - *Yawn*
10: spokane news - Spokane is a small town in Washington, USA. So I guess it's a search for news from Spokane.

It seems that Web 2.0 (or is it 3.0 now?) is a very different place compared to the tubes that I knew. I would have thought the list would look like this:

Porn, Torrent, Jesus, Conspiracy, Jihad, World of Warcraft, Obama.

Beautiful words cannot make our lives better

Where do they get the guy to do these voiceovers? I mean if I had a voice that dramatic I wouldn't be wasting it on ad voiceovers, I'd be running for prez myself. You could seriously influence people with a voice that believable.

"It was a time of hope, uncertainty and change - the summer of love... Half a world away, another kind of love... of country..."

It's quite a poetic account of the war which brought us carpet-bombing and Agent Orange, but hey there's an image to be sold. First he's gonna tell you what you don't wanna hear, and then he's gonna do what you don't want done. Straight talk - from his ass to your ears...

Friday Image

Maybe this will be a new thing, where I can get around not having anything to say by just posting a potentially funny image on a Friday. This is quality though.
Robbed from b3ta.com without permission and without a care in the world

Winehouse not even funny anymore

So Amy Winehouse played two gigs last weekend - Friday it was ould Nelson Mandela's 140th birthday and then Saturday she was the penultimate act on Glastonbury's main stage. Now I've alluded before here that I think she's a spazmod, and she certainly proved it last weekend. In fact she outdid herself in the pantheon of royal fuck ups.

So first off at Mandela's birthday shes changed the words of "Free Nelson Mandela" to "Free Blakey My Fella" because his junkie self is more important than one of the most inspirational figures of the last century. However, at least she was quasi-sober.

Then she went to Glastonbury, got completely out of her face before going on stage and proceeded to give the shittest and saddest gig since the last time that Simply Red played live. She rambled and slurred her way through songs, made no sense at all, stopped a song because she couldn't "hear" the count-in, and then decked someone in the crowd. Oh yeah and she called Kanye West a cock for some reason. That one I appreciate though.

Now we all used to think Amy's highjinks were funny in a rock and roll way, and that the crazy haristyle was "edgy". How cold is the reality though: she's a junk loving mentalist that's got a TB-carrying badger living on her head.

Anyway I've lost my train of thought and am going tangental here - the lost and found cache from Glasto is a classic. Aside from the usual haul of mobile phones, wallets and other crap were a piano, a prosthetic leg and a barrister's wig. Sounds like props from McCartney and Mills' divorce case. Special mention however for the worst German ever: how efficient is it to leave your passport behind???

Day 8 of the Recession: Pirates taking over

Day Four of the Recession

In the grip of a recession frenzy I've decided to invest in a new mezzanine floor for my home office. Honestly for the last four days of the recession I've been at sixes and sevens just trying to make sense of the whole thing - what does it mean for me, what does it mean for my business, and what does it mean for the wider world? Luckily today I received an email with more solid advice than George Lee and David McWilliams could put together, together. A simple subject line was all it took to reel me in:

Recession-Proof Your Business With Our Economy Mezzanine Floor

Confident, brash and business-savvy, this is a subject line that doesn't even need a full stop. EuroMech couldn't give a fiddler's about sentence structure - they don't have time to! They're too busy installing Economy Mezzanine Floors and recession-proofing people's warehouses to care. I'm considering getting one installed in my bedroom and sheltering underneath it just in case the sky falls on my head.

Weirdest website ever

Check out this mania. Ok so it looks like a
Hollywood interpretation of what a 1990's computer virus looks like.

It took a little while to figure out what the hell it's all about. Apparently it's "html art" and this guy Michael Guidetti designed (?) the site (see original pic, right) before coding it in an epic html splurge.

Mad gear.

Tiny dinosaurs and the other 15,930 animals

"Oooh, I don't like the look of those clouds," said the Cheetah to the Stegosaurus

I love creationists. Everyone needs a mentalist to brighten up their day, and there are few groups of mentalists who can out-mentalize Creation Ministries International. I've learned a lot from these guys, and have recently had to re-evaluate my views of whether or not dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark. According to CMI's website - Creation On The Web - they were. Now I'm a bit of a sceptic when it comes to all things Ark-like, and I used to highly doubt that dinosaurs were even around when Noah did his corralling. Here follows CMI's scientific explanations for the Ark and it's tiny menagerie:

• On the apparent absence of sea creatures from the Ark:
  Noah did not need to take sea creatures because they would not necessarily be threatened with extinction by a flood. However, turbulent water carrying sediment would cause massive carnage, as seen in the fossil record, and many oceanic species probably did become extinct because of the Flood. If God in His wisdom decided not to preserve some ocean creatures, this was none of Noah’s business.

• On the apparent lack of space for 60 million creatures on the Ark:
  Horses, zebras and donkeys are probably descended from an equine (horse-like) kind, since they can interbreed, although the offspring are largely sterile. Dogs, wolves, coyotes and jackals are probably from a common canine (dog-like) kind. All different types of domestic cattle (which are clean animals) are descended from the aurochs, 6 so there were probably at most seven (or possibly 14) domestic cattle aboard. The aurochs itself may have been descended from a cattle kind that also gave rise to bison and water buffaloes. We know that tigers and lions can produce hybrids called tigons and ligers, so it is likely that they are descended from the same original kind. Johnathan Woodmorappe tallied up about 8,000 genera, including extinct genera. Thus about 16,000 individual animals had to be aboard.
  Has anyone seen Napoleon Dynamite? A LIGER???
  

• On how a still large number of 16,000 animals could fit in the Ark:
  If the animals were kept in cages with an average size of 50x50x30 centimetres the 16,000 animals would only occupy 1,200 m3. Even if a million insect species had to be on board as well, it would not be a problem, because they require little space. If each pair was kept in cages of 10 cm per side...
  
  
• On how Kangaroos made it to Australia from Ararat:
  The continents we now have, with their load of Flood-deposited sedimentary rock, are not the same as whatever continent or continents there may have been in the pre-Flood world. We also lack information as to how animals were distributed before the Flood. Kangaroos (as is true for any other creature) may not have been on an isolated landmass. Genesis 1:9 suggests that there may have been only one landmass. For all we know, kangaroos might have been feeding within a stone’s throw of Noah while he was building the Ark.
  
  
• On how dinosaurs (because they existed at the same time as man) fit into the Ark:
  Certainly, dinosaurs would have been on the Ark: God told Noah to take two of every kind of land animal. Dinosaurs were land animals, and they must have been alive then, because so many of them were fossilized in the Flood...dinosaurs had a type of adolescent growth spurt—the pattern is called sigmoidal, or s–shaped. God could well have chosen specimens He knew would undergo their growth spurt as soon as they left the Ark. This would solve the common sceptical problem of fitting and feeding huge dinosaurs on the Ark. That is, they weren’t actually that huge while they were on board.
  

So to summarize, it's none of your or Noah's business what animals were invited, evolution and mythical creatures can explain the small number of animals who were there to party, the breakup of Pangaea happened sometime in the last 4,000 years or so allowing Kangaroos to float off into the southern hemisphere, and only tiny dinosaurs were invited onto the ark where they slept in those toy cages we talked about earlier.

Honestly I've lost hours reading their FAQ page. Just remember this parting disclaimer from the CMI however:

Seeing that the Bible can be trusted on testable matters, nonbelievers disregard its warnings concerning future judgment at their own peril.

TFJ to Cindy & John

Cindy "recipe queen" McCain has announced her intention to expand her humanitarian work and involvement with charities if her 500 year old husband John gets elected. I'm sure the American Voluntary Medical Team are delighted at the prospect of "Percocet Cindy" ramping up her charity work.

I've got to say that I'm not a fan of that pair. He's a twisted war-mongering relic who has been caught on tape singing Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran to the tune of the Beachboys. And whatever about Dubya, at least he never called Laura a cunt.

Click the links, watch the video (do not view if that word offends...), vote O'Bama.

Just what we need

What the hell is going on here? This is seriously embarassing, and to my mind it's more important news than day two of the recession. Bennigan's have two outlets in Ireland. Not one, but two.

For my Irish readers: Bennigan's is the food equivalent of the Supermacs of America, a tacky pub/grill that serves deep fried everything on paper plates with a healthy dose of mock-Irish kitsch (signs that read: Hurling Est 1972). It's over-priced and over-patroned.

For my American readers: stop laughing at us for importing your shit, as it is also a sad day for you because you have created a new term and arrived a new low in the history of commercialism:

RE-BASTARDIZATION: the process of stealing one nation's culture, processing it like plastic cheese, franchising it like Starbucks and throwing in a leprechaun advert just in time to sell it back to the original culture complete with "inner leprechaun" website.

Honestly we do not as a nation need this dirt. Why did someone decide to import a photocopy of their own culture, and why have we not turned this person into a public art installation for dogs to piss on and people to laugh at?

Buckle Up

Dublin, this morning

According to the ESRI we are fucked. Ireland is in "the grip" of a recession - not just receding like male pattern baldness, but gripped like a vice by a big hairy hand. We haven't had a recessive year since 1983 apparently. That makes it all the more interesting that in 25 years of growth we still haven't managed to build even a dual-carriageway between our two biggest cities.

Result.

Sick

What's the world coming to? In a sad weekend where the MDC have pulled out of the Zimbabwean election, it has come to light that Pele was robbed at gunpoint. Now what sick scum would rob Pele?

His chauffeur driven car was surrounded by a gang of 10 in a traffic jam in the scumhole of Guaruja. The incident, which also saw other drivers and passengers robbed, happened close to Pernambuco Beach where Pele has a holiday house. Now I know there's a lot of desperate criminals in Brazil, and maybe they didn't know it was Pele's car. But surely when you bust open the door and see oul' Edison Arantes sitting there in all his glory you'd just say "sorry, didn't know it was you Pele" and go primal on the next car instead?

It's sick. In honour of Pele here's a video of his greatness:

Internets backfires, makes idiot look like an idiot. Online.

On Tuesday somebody posted on boards the following message:

"yeah i cheated my ass of in most exams, had a fully programmable calculator with 1 gig flash card, my examiner was a dope (love her tho she was nice <3)> im sitting at about 500 points i would say, and unless something MAJORLY goes wrong, i have my first choice in the bag."

The resulting thread is quite spectacular in that the above fucktard didn't really do much to disguise their badness, was easily tracked and as a result has been immortalised in a motivational office-style poster:


Looks like a 7 year ban from all State Examinations, and yes Salman that does include the driving test also.

National Lampoon's European Vacation II

"Oh good one - down low, too slow...he he he he"

"The naked girl with the guitar???"

"Hey English - where's that guy with the funny teeth?"

Terrorista Pugno Colpo

"Over there, that's Poland."


Europe: Bush's Little Bit on the Side

Lisbon....and on...and on....

Does anyone miss the mentalist antics of Cóir? Even a little bit? Wasn't it funny having their poster classics around town: "Monkeys", "Nukes", "Weeping Jesus", "Robot Children" and the likes.

Also their memorable appearances on radio and television: making quiet Pat Kenny bark at Niamh Ní Bhroin to shut up; singing "No no, no na-no no, no na-no no, no-no there's NO LISBON" to the tune of "No Limits" by 2unlimited while Brian Lenihan tried to conduct an interview with RTE.

Well they've left us with a few great memories, and have no doubt enriched some of us with their ideology. I for one am treasuring the leaflet placed under my windscreen wiper last week that beautifully combined water charges, EU-wide conscription and prostitution as a multi-whammy of badness.

But spare a thought for those of us with less of a handle on sarcasm, who may be a bit naive in their golden years, and may have believed some of the batshit crazy arguements Cóir put out there. A neighbour told me today that their elderly mother was delighted with the No vote. Why?

"Ah sure I never got used to that ould Euro. Like play money..."

The Internets: Critic Central

What do you love about Amazon? More than the great deals, the massive selection, the personalized recommendations, or the free shipping (provided you live anywhere that isn't Ireland)? The reviews. To my mind there is not much better time to be had than reading pages of people tearing up pointless kitchen tools.

So for those of us that for some reason thought that the Bible was immune to reviews, think again! Here's a rundown of the best from the King James Edition of the Bible:

• "Need a good "Rocky" story? The Bible has the mother of all Rocky stories..."
• "From the first book, there are glaring plot holes (where did Cain's wife come from???)"
• "Take, for example, the main character, God."
• "Of historical interest but a little slow for casual reading"
• "...at some points the book is almost preachy in tone."
• "Halfway through we meet Gods son, a gentle peacenik who appears totally unsuited to the task of continuing his fathers battles. However in a transformation similar to that of Michael Corleone in Godfather part II he puts aside his reservations in the famous 'desert scene' to emerge a worthy successor - game on!"

Breaking News: People's Asses Getting Bigger, Quicker

A dutch designer has built an RFID enabled robotic chair for use at an Eindhoven library. All you do is swipe your library card infront of one of the chairs, and go find your book. The chair will follow you around the library so you always have somewhere to sit. Once you go to the checkout counter the chair returns to base, ready for more bunnage.



In other news, there is still no cure for the common cold.

Mugabe taking piss, making R Kelly judge look good.

Robert Mugabe said today that he won't step down, even if rival Morgan Tsvangirai wins the second-round election. The government rag 'Herald' (apparently just as shite as ours) quoted him as saying:

"We shed a lot of blood for this country. We are not going to give up our country for a mere X on a ballot. How can a ball point pen fight with a gun?"

Mugabe: Making other dictators seem cool for 27 years.

Meanwhile the western world - including Zimbabwe's former colonial owners, Britain - are standing around, tutting at the brazen-ness of Mugabe. British PM and general fucktard Gordon Brown said “(Mugabe’s) criminal cabal ... threatens to make a mockery of free and fair elections in Zimbabwe.” Well done you Gordon, with your tough words and unnerving moral dignity. Even Dubya - the most un-mincing of wordsmiths - had nothing to say: "“The people of Zimbabwe have suffered under the Mugabe leadership and we will work you to ensure this process leads to free and fair elections."

Well I've got something to say too. Leave Ahmadinejad alone, he's a mentalist in the L. Ron Hubbard mode. Leave Kim Jong-Il alone too. He's also a mentalist, but more in the Donald Trump mode. Go after Robert Mugabe - he's a bad man, an easy target and someone who the western world can all agree on is surplus to requirements. Send in Jason Bourne.

Not cool.

Apparently it is now legal to urinate on minors in America.

Say it with authority and no one will doubt it.

It's true, most facts are just bullshit disguised with an authorative tone. I do it all the time. However you don't expect the website of the Taoiseach's office to come up with bullshit like this:

(From the "Did you know..." section of www.taoiseach.gov.ie's Youth Zone):

26. Michael Collins was the first Irishman in space, he remained in lunar orbit while his Apollo 11 colleagues, Edwin Aldrin and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon( 21st July 1969)

How exactly was he Irish bar the obvious name? Born in Italy and (according to his wikipedia entry) "during the 17 years in which Michael Collins lived at home, he would call Rome, Oklahoma, Governors Island, Puerto Rico and Alexandria, Virginia home."

It's a stretch too far, not exactly the granny rule is it?

OK so it's been around for a while but it is pretty funny...

Too Super Cool For His Ticket - Watch more free videos

Don't want my money? Fine.

I need to ring Revenue, because I apparently owe them tax from 2006. I call the Collector General's number, and go through three or four automated menus until I hear this tiny, weak voice of an old lady on the end of the phone:

"We are sorry for the inconvenience but all of our lines are busy. Please ring back later."

Honestly she sounded like she was a relic from the famine era, holed up in a tiny cottage on Inisbofin. Irrespective of the ghost of Ireland past on the phone, the question has to be asked: why don't have a queing system? A call back system? A voicemail system? They do have a voice recognition system that can understand you on the first go, unlike the Eircom "Sorry, I didn't get that" guys chummy answer to everything you say; but you've to hang up if all of the phonejockeys are busy?

Fine. I'll keep my money so.

Straight Talk Express

John McCain's "Straight Talk Express" (I can't help but think of Thomas the Tank Engine) tells it like it is. I do believe however that his campaign website is a bit watery, so I've re-done some of the text to give it a bit more presence, or POW-style attitude. "Fuck you voters, follow me or die", he should be seen to say.

4 Years and 49 Weeks On: John McCain is still a Fucktard

Following on from today's 5 year anniversary celebrations, it seems that just three weeks after Bush & Co declared "mission accomplished", John "Bush 3.0" McCain proclaimed a "massive victory" in Afghanistan and Iraq.

"Readiness" seems to be the key here. The Straight Talk Express is fuelled by horseshit.

5 Years On: Iraq at Peace and Prospering

It was this day 5 years ago that George W. Bush declared that "major combat operations in Iraq have ended" infront of a giant 'Mission Accomplished' banner onboard the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln. Since that memorable day's historic declaration of victory, both peace and progressive democratic insitutions are the order of the day in Iraq instead of a man with a questionable sense of fashion and a penchant for weapons of mass destruction. Let's look at some fun facts in support of the post-war "operations":

• Now in it's sixth year, onlyVietnam, Afghanistan and the Revolutionary War have engaged America for longer periods. If we keep the chins up and the focus focused we will outpass both Vietnam and the Revolutionary War in the next 12 months. Awesome!
• Only 4,061 American soldiers have died - if you compare that with how many people die from smoking in America each year you'll see it's a insignificant number and not really as as important as it's made out to be by headline grabbing, leftist media like the New York Times.
  
• With the recent interest rate cuts from the Fed it's a great time to increase military spending as borrowing is now cheaper than ever.
  
• Iraq is one of the few places on this great earth's surface where you can guarantee year-round sun. Think of all the troublesome teenagers who were sent away to Iraq to learn life skills like submission/anger/tidiness/shoe polishing with the army, all the time while picking up a great tan and learning to fire high powered assault rifles. Would you prefer them to be shooting you instead some potential terrorist?

Think about it. I know Rumsfeld did.

Mormons: What will they think of next?

Sooooo, I guess Mitt Romney not getting the nod is turning out to be a much better decision than we could have ever thought. OK, so he's not a "fundamentalist"Mormon, but I am taking the decision to tar with the same brush purely by name association with those freaky fucks from Texas. They are easily the creepiest sect since Manson's Family, what with the Eurodisney Castle that they all live in and the dresses. For some reason they remind my of that show Alien Nation - they seem to be nice, but there's something not quite right.

Loving the coiffure though.

Alan Partridge: Catalyst for Magic

It's funny how the mind works:

1. See story about this MP Lembit Opik guy who's marrying one of the Cheeky Girls.
   
2. Immediately get reminded of Alan Partridge and his Russian bride Sonja (just like Lembit and his Romanian bride Gabriela, no?)
3. Rememder episode of I'm Alan Partridge where he pitches an idea for a movie to Tony Hayers (BBC head of programming or something):

"Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future. He's being pursued by a cyber-punk from the past, played by Rutger Hauer."

Malibu Dave owns himself. Or his speech or something.

The Hoff has agreed a divorce settlement with his ex-wife, allowing him to keep his names and catchphrases apparently. According to some celebrity rag he can keep the rights to the names "The Hoff" and "Malibu Dave" and the catchphrase "Don't Hassel the Hoff" in various countries.

Now I don't give a fiddlers how mean a breakup it was, his ex-wife had no right to try and take his name. How dare she? And his catchphrase? What kind of man would he be without these things? David, from an unspecified location in California. "Hey man" he could say, "don't irritate the me". Rubbish.

Anyway, I prefer to remember him pre-Malibu/floor hamburger/comeback single when he gave shortcuts to his heart in newspapers.

DO love to drive a TransAM (it's the only car with graphics of flaming wings - Hoff's insignia for love. Hot Angel, oh yeah...)
DON'T be a tease (the Hoff does not approve, and does not have time)
DON'T treat him like he's a God (God is not human, not Hoff, and therefore can't Hoff-a-tize chicks)
DON'T be jealous of other girls (the Hoff has time for you all)

Priests: Waaaahkiwn Heeaaaa

In an effort to boost numbers of wanabee priests, the St. Joseph's Seminary School in New York has launched a very swishy website called nypriest. Everybody knows that New York is the greatest city/state of mind/Sinatra song/apple/steak cut in the world, so it's no surprise that they're now also home to the coolest priests in the world. Just check out the flash images that scroll across the homepage with the words "THE WORLD NEEDS HEROES"... isn't there something about humility in the bible somewhere?

A tasteful way to interlace 9/11 pride -
"Hey look it's a dead policeman, priests must be fighting the war on terror too"

Anyway that got my mind going:

Pope confuses sex abuse scandal in US for pricing issue on bibles

The Pope and two bishops relaxing yesterday

The pope has come out against the sexual abuse scandal in the States with all the vehemency of a damp dishcloth. Apparently he's "deeply ashamed" of what has happened, and reckons it's "gravely immoral behaviour". Sorry old man but your shame and regret are not good enough. No actions and no tough decisions, just more offensive lip service. He actually had the gall to part blame the scandal on the breakdown of values in US society. So lapse-catholicism and the proliferation of MTV caused some priests to rape children?

You don't think that some sick fucks are attracted to that profession seeing that your church has actively harboured paedophilic rapists and kept them safe from prosecution? That maybe it was all too easy to commit these crimes due to the level of unconditional trust granted by the traditional catholic?

I watched Deliver Us From Evil last weekend, lets just say I'm kinda tetchy on the subject at the moment.

Gumtree? Bumfree?

The Sunday Tribune this week recommended a look at Gumtree's "Freebie" section for tons of great stuff that was, well, free. I've just had a look, and it's a veritable cornucopia of delights alright. Nearly every listing is stuff that's wanted as opposed to offered, but here's my favourites with "spelling" intact:

Manakins bodyforms for art projects (Navan)
Common as muck these days, although I wonder what they answer would be if you replied with the offer of 72 mannequin heads?

need chest of draw, is an emergency (tallaght)
I'm not entirely sure why this clichéd chinaman thinks the word emergency should be associated with folded jumpers

Stetescope (Meath or Dublin)
With the price of GP fees nowadays who'd blame you wanting to self-diagnose major heart problems?

Portishead on Jools at 10pm tonight

Play freeeeeebirrrrrrrrrrrddd

Moving to Indio, California

Coachella Festival is on the weekend after this. It's lineup is so good that it eclipses the combined lineup from every single festival and gig that I've ever been to. A sample:

Raconteurs, Breeders, Aphex Twin, Fatboy Slim, Goldfrapp, National, Battles, Aesop Rock, Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, Vampire Weekend, Black Kids, Prince, Portishead, Kraftwerk, Sasha & Digweed, Cold War Kids, Hot Chip, MIA, Animal Collective, Bonde do Role, MGMT, St. Vincent, Spiritualized, Justice, Dmitri from Paris, Holy Fuck, Cinematic Orchestra, and Roger Waters.

What is completely fucked up is that there are still tickets available, and that they're $269. With today's conversion rate that's a whopping €169, or how much you'd pay to see Roger Waters by himself in the poxy RDS.

Sick. Sick. Sick

China says: You don't wanna step to this

According to the Beeb China has announced that from now on the olympic torch relay will go "smoothly". That's possibly the most sinister word you could hear from a country like that. It's far too Stazi/KGB-ish in it's thinly veiled PR wordsmithery.

"Smooth, like a Tibetan who's just been run over by a tank."

The Muppet of the Week Award...

...goes to Kieron Sanders (13) of Tredegar in Wales. This daft tit went to a tanning salon three times in one day and ended up with infected burns on his face. According to his mam "Kieron is quite a vain boy and he is self-conscious about his acne - that was why he used sunbeds." We all know that burning your face into a swollen, infected mess is a good way to hide acne, but methinks Kieron took it a step too far this time.

It kind of looks like he's got cornflakes on his chin. Hey Kieron the cereal goes in your mouth not on your mouth.

Chapayevsk: Not exactly Trabolgan

A while back I mentioned the island of Tristan de Cunha as areshole of the world. Well if that's the case (and I usually stand by my convictions) then Chapayevsk is the failing kidney of the world. In fact this place is such a shitbox that the mayor - Nikolai Malakhov - is calling for his own town to be shut down. He told visiting state officials that he wants the town closed down and the citizens re-settled.

This former beacon of Soviet industrialism was the home to their most productive arms factories, including the ones that produced lovely toxic agents. It also got an employment-boosting weapons disposal factory in 2001 to sit astride the now defunct Soviet munitions factories and the thriving local chlorine plant. One of Russia's largest daily newspapers reports that "mortality rates caused by tuberculosis, cancer of the throat, liver and the kidneys are three times higher in Chapayevsk than in the rest of the region."

I can't see the townspeople getting moved however as last year the Natural Resources Minister Alexander Fyodorov advised local leaders in Chapayevsk to look on the positive side and project an "aura of well-being," which would attract investment. That's the spirit.

The Puffed Chests

So now we're debating Bertie Ahern's legacy, and it is just getting more incredible by the day. Not only was the Irish Mother Theresa solely responsible for the Celtic Tiger and bringing peace to Norn Iron all on his own, but I guess it'll come out soon that he also fed the multitude with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes. Impressive, no?

Well if you're somebody who actively avoids the shite scrawled by Eoghan Harris in the Sindo or the chest-beating rubbish that Martin Mansergh trots out on the radio you'll realise that it's all heavily spun lies. The troubles had ended in Norn Iron and the foundations for peace were there - it didn't matter whether it was Albert Reynolds, John Bruton or Bertie Ahern in office. The extremists had grown old and the public tired of violence. Undoubtedly a good job done, but anyone in that office would have done the same.

A group of inebriated teenagers could have steered Ireland through the last 15 years of unprecedented wealth and economic growth. Contrary to now popular belief Bertie did not create the Celtic Tiger - that was a natural economic product of past policies of free third-level education and low corporation tax. Examine the three most important societal needs after all these years of prosperity, budget surplusses and overflowing bank accounts:

- A bloated, unefficient and frequently lethal "health" service where we employ more middle managers that front-line staff, headed by the most un-healthy looking toad you could ever lay eyes on.
- A monopolized public transport system where it can cost more to travel by rail than by air, and an arterial road system where we still haven't managed to connect any of our cities by (tolled) motorway.
- An underfunded school system that's "free" yet depends on donations from parents, where some school buildings aren't fit to house animals in, where we reward exam-time regurgitation and not critical thinking, and where after 14 years of 'high quality schooling' our nation can't even speak it's national language.

Think of the voting machines, the LUAS overspend, and the PPARS debacle; think of the man who called Turks "kebabs" and got appointed as Minister for Integration; the backing of Ray Burke, Liam Lawlor and Charlie Haughey as decent fellas; the new pay packet that made him the highest-paid leader in the democratic world; the iodine tablets sent to every house in the country, the millenium clock that never reached the millenium and the millenium spire that was a year late; the lies, delaying tactis, crocodile tears, cover ups and high-court challenges while under investigation for corruption.

This is your legacy Bertie Ahern. No glory, no rose tinted glasses, and no quarter. You sir, were a shitebag, are a shitebag, and will always be remembered (by me at least) as a shitebag.

Breaking News: People reach new (very public) low

This is plain wrong. It'd be less shocking if they didn't look so similar. Besides, who goes on public TV to ask for privacy? Rumour has it their kid looks like Scuzzlebutt...

"Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain, and kills anybody who dares climb to the top. It loves the taste of blood, and likes to add pieces to its deformed body. On his left arm, instead of a hand, he has.... A piece of celery. He walks with a limp. Because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but........Patrick Duffy. So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets... and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets. Tahink, tahink , tahink"

Because he's a huge Oasis fan

Eh yeah. Ronaldinho to join that galactico-magnet Man City. If this is true I'll put money on:

• Mahon finding out that the only inconsistencies in Bertie's monetary dealings pertain to his Communion savings.
• Dan Carter, Brian Habana and Sergio Parisse joining Buccaneers RFC.
  
• China giving Tibet unconditional independence before the Olympics.
• The RIAA agreeing to make all legal downloads DRM-free.
• The numbers 1,2,3,4,5,6, and 7 coming up in the EuroMillions, in that order.

I'm not a sceptic, I just know bullshit when I hear it.

Embarassing

How can you let freeters escape from prison??? Apparently 9 radical Islamists who are serving life sentences in Kenitra (Morocco's "high security" prison) for helping to plan the Casablanca suicide bombings of 2003 have escaped. They tunneled out. How in 2008 in a maximum security prison can somebody tunnel out? I can kind of understand how tunnel escapes were possible in the two World Wars, what with log cabin jails/John Wark-led football teams/jolly prison guards at Colditz, but this is just ridiculous. Morocco sort it out or John McCain will sort it out for you.

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO WALK: we shan't miss you

Thought processes of ministers (left to right) as seen live on TV at 10am this morning:

Martin Cullen: Jaysus I never noticed the bald spot at the back of his head. Wouldye believe it? Wha- what's that? Oh yeah, another clapping bit. All I ever do is clap. Clap clap clap. Suppose it beats real work. Wonder if I could convert them voting machines into ATMs or something...

John Gormless: Wahey! Look at me up here with the big boys. I love real politics. Beats the shit out of saving the planet...

Bertie: Look at yis, ye durty little shitebags. Feckin journalists. Bunch of questioney eh eh little hooers. Could yis noh turn a blind eye or sumtin, eh point is I saved all of yis from yourselves ye spanners. And look at that fat bastard eh Cowen licking his lips. Well I'm de one goin t'Merica so ye can all go fuck off while I'm having de laff at deh Funderland... Disneyland... dat place wit de dolphins...

Brian Lenihan: If that fat bastard Cowen thinks for one second...

Bull Cowen: Oh for the love of all that is holy in the midlands...will you get t'the point. How long do I have to wait before somebody finally pushes you the fuck out of here...

Kids: Shouldn't do Drugs

Sorry about the delay in posting, I was in Transilvania. No, seriously.

Anyway I usually couldn't give a fiddler's whats going on in the world of celebrities and their latest fashion disasters, but today I saw this picture - holy troutface batman! How could this supahstah go from Goldie Hawn to just Goldie? She hasn't made a movie since 2002, is married to Kurt Russell, and looks like a crack-smoking cross between yer one from that movie Monster and the crazy cat lady on Simpsons. We build them up, and then knock them down. Really far down.

Chequemate

I'm going on holidays today, and I fully expect to see a Bertie-less country on my return. High fives all around for Mahon.

Hurling: The Emirati sport of choice

Well if this country and it's institutions don't continue to surprise - the new sponsors for the GAA have been announced, and it's a fairly traditional set of sponsors for the Football Championship: Toyota (make jeeps for farmers), Ulster Bank (to appease the Ulster Branch) and Vodafone (second place after losing the iPhone haha).

However the wacky racers over in the Hurling Championship have nailed Etihad Airways (whodefuck?), Guiness (ah yeah that's grand) and RTE (the national broadcaster of course). Etihad Airways?? How many Hurling fans have business traveling to Damascus, Tehran and Khartoum? None I would venture, sure I heard you can't even drink out there...

Aer Arann would have been the obvious choice, with their regular flights from Waterford to Knock et al.

Freeters

In a (not really) suprising incident yesterday, John McCain made repeated claims that Iran was funding Al-Qaeda. It's not exactly a wild statement from a republican to make allegations of "freedom hating" - or freeting as I like to call it - but when you take into account that Iran is primarily a Shiite country and that Al-Qaeda are a Sunni group it's kind of ignorant. Especially seeing as this is a guy who could be representing America on the world stage in 8 months time.

Now John you've got the get the facts right before you start bringing the pain. Plus you're not the president yet, so shut the fuck up and let Bush take care of the gaffes in front of the world media.

UPDATE:
He's been in Israel today, hanging out with Israelis. Referring to Hamas and Hezbollah he said (in a not-too-diplomatic-way) : "They are dedicated to the extinction of everything that the US, Israel and the West believe and stand for." In response the Israeli Foreign Minister Ms. Livni said: "I know that we share the same understanding of the nature of the crisis in the region."

Good to know that they both agree that Hamas and Hezbollah are freeters. Except for their own nation's freedoms which they want, but which are not recognized as they disagree with the main principle of Freetanism: potential freeters don't get to decide which freedoms are right.