Breaking News: People reach new (very public) low

This is plain wrong. It'd be less shocking if they didn't look so similar. Besides, who goes on public TV to ask for privacy? Rumour has it their kid looks like Scuzzlebutt...

"Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain, and kills anybody who dares climb to the top. It loves the taste of blood, and likes to add pieces to its deformed body. On his left arm, instead of a hand, he has.... A piece of celery. He walks with a limp. Because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but........Patrick Duffy. So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets... and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets. Tahink, tahink , tahink"