The Puffed Chests

So now we're debating Bertie Ahern's legacy, and it is just getting more incredible by the day. Not only was the Irish Mother Theresa solely responsible for the Celtic Tiger and bringing peace to Norn Iron all on his own, but I guess it'll come out soon that he also fed the multitude with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes. Impressive, no?

Well if you're somebody who actively avoids the shite scrawled by Eoghan Harris in the Sindo or the chest-beating rubbish that Martin Mansergh trots out on the radio you'll realise that it's all heavily spun lies. The troubles had ended in Norn Iron and the foundations for peace were there - it didn't matter whether it was Albert Reynolds, John Bruton or Bertie Ahern in office. The extremists had grown old and the public tired of violence. Undoubtedly a good job done, but anyone in that office would have done the same.

A group of inebriated teenagers could have steered Ireland through the last 15 years of unprecedented wealth and economic growth. Contrary to now popular belief Bertie did not create the Celtic Tiger - that was a natural economic product of past policies of free third-level education and low corporation tax. Examine the three most important societal needs after all these years of prosperity, budget surplusses and overflowing bank accounts:

- A bloated, unefficient and frequently lethal "health" service where we employ more middle managers that front-line staff, headed by the most un-healthy looking toad you could ever lay eyes on.
- A monopolized public transport system where it can cost more to travel by rail than by air, and an arterial road system where we still haven't managed to connect any of our cities by (tolled) motorway.
- An underfunded school system that's "free" yet depends on donations from parents, where some school buildings aren't fit to house animals in, where we reward exam-time regurgitation and not critical thinking, and where after 14 years of 'high quality schooling' our nation can't even speak it's national language.

Think of the voting machines, the LUAS overspend, and the PPARS debacle; think of the man who called Turks "kebabs" and got appointed as Minister for Integration; the backing of Ray Burke, Liam Lawlor and Charlie Haughey as decent fellas; the new pay packet that made him the highest-paid leader in the democratic world; the iodine tablets sent to every house in the country, the millenium clock that never reached the millenium and the millenium spire that was a year late; the lies, delaying tactis, crocodile tears, cover ups and high-court challenges while under investigation for corruption.

This is your legacy Bertie Ahern. No glory, no rose tinted glasses, and no quarter. You sir, were a shitebag, are a shitebag, and will always be remembered (by me at least) as a shitebag.

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO WALK: we shan't miss you

Thought processes of ministers (left to right) as seen live on TV at 10am this morning:

Martin Cullen: Jaysus I never noticed the bald spot at the back of his head. Wouldye believe it? Wha- what's that? Oh yeah, another clapping bit. All I ever do is clap. Clap clap clap. Suppose it beats real work. Wonder if I could convert them voting machines into ATMs or something...

John Gormless: Wahey! Look at me up here with the big boys. I love real politics. Beats the shit out of saving the planet...

Bertie: Look at yis, ye durty little shitebags. Feckin journalists. Bunch of questioney eh eh little hooers. Could yis noh turn a blind eye or sumtin, eh point is I saved all of yis from yourselves ye spanners. And look at that fat bastard eh Cowen licking his lips. Well I'm de one goin t'Merica so ye can all go fuck off while I'm having de laff at deh Funderland... Disneyland... dat place wit de dolphins...

Brian Lenihan: If that fat bastard Cowen thinks for one second...

Bull Cowen: Oh for the love of all that is holy in the midlands...will you get t'the point. How long do I have to wait before somebody finally pushes you the fuck out of here...

Chequemate

I'm going on holidays today, and I fully expect to see a Bertie-less country on my return. High fives all around for Mahon.

It's Getting Bumpy

Unbelievable

Unbloodybelievable. The Sunday Business Post today published a poll in which 54% of those polled said they did not believe Bertie Ahern's tribunal ramblings. I'm amazed. I'm amazed that 46% of those polled believed him. How crazy does his explanations have to get before people finally click that he's a lying snake? "Well no, that money is actually a transient shape-shifting being that intermittently appears in my account with no record of how it gets there or where it goes." We've got to be so close to a "Few Good Men" style showdown next month, with truth-handling allegations being thrown back and forth between Bertie and Des O'Neill. Wouldn't you be foaming at the mouth if you were O'Neill and you were that close to nailing the slippery eel but he kept on getting away?

Anyway it's obviously not as important as news that Guns N Roses' "Chinese Democracy" album is finished. Done. Ready for release in mid 2008. This rumour (Amazon has been doing pre-orders since 2002!) has circulated many times before but apparently this really is it. Its taken an incredible 16 years for what will surely be one of the most eagerly anticipated albums of all time, maybe even more than Ace of Base's follow up to The Sign (which incidentally went Diamond: Platinum x10). In order to not be the thing which turns Axl Rose into the first Vanilla Ice of the 21st century it's going to have to be well, the greatest rock album of all time. No pressure so. The thing I'm wondering though is does this man look like he could be behind it? He's gone a bit sunburnt Dennis Quaid meets a white Jesse Jackson...


UPDATE: Hear the new leaked track 'Better' here

Gizza teeebahg

Let's all join in and send the prick a teabag

Dig Out Day, December 7th

Nothing is sacred

It's surely gone too far now. I was able to deal with following:

• The A&E waiting times
• The overcrowded hospitals
  
• The overcrowded prisons
• The third-rate communications infrastructure
• The third-rate transport infrastructure
• The gross overspending
• The wearing of yellow trousers at G8 summits
• The undelivered election promises
• The Millenium Spire not being built in time
• The Millenium clock being a criminal waste of money
• The LUAS not being connected
• The e-voting machines that are unused and still costing us money
• The pay rises
• The budget cuts
• The stamp duty that I paid last year as a first time buyer
• The Garda corruption
  
• The endless tribunals
• The cover ups at tribunals

But this, news that a government official 'advised' RTE to not let Professor James Crown (one of the more outspoken critics of the health service) appear on the Late Late on Saturday night amounts to state censorship. It is too far. The rest of the above can be explained away as results of what happens when you let a bunch of muppets take the reigns of a country. Add censorship to the mix and we are now no better than North Korea, Belarus or a whole hose of other poxy countries, run by despots running under the flag of communism and promise of lots of square buildings. Atleast we don't have any square buildings...

What next: sexiest man in Ireland?

Ireland's very own personal fund manager Brian Cowen (pictured left, hanging tight with his old homie Arafat) has turned up in the lastest MRBI poll as Ireland' most popular politician. Even more than Bertie.

Than Bertie.

Bertie!!

Now I know that Fianna Fail have it all planned out for the Bull to take the reigns (ironic, no?) post Bertie, but I bet he's going fucking mental up in Drumcondra. He escaped Bertiegate parts 1 and 2, and how many other controversies over the last 10 years, and finally is falling to a guy who lets be honest looks like someone's been hitting him in the face with a bar of soap inside a towel. Swollen, not bruised.

governMENTAL

I've got to hand it to Bertie and the lads as things must be going better than the economists, media and well, most people with a wallet think. Why else would they accept large pay increases during an economic slowdown?

Honestly they sound like a fucking Loreal ad, I heard Noel Dempsey on the radio this morning saying that because it was an independent body's recommendation that they had to accept it. What about all the other recommendations from independent bodies that they ignored and are gathering dust or being used as kindling for next weeks bonfires?

And our great leader "the innocent" kept on saying how their salaries are benchmarked against the private sector. Well why in the fuck is his performance not? He wouldn't last two hours as an office temp if he was. He now gets paid more than Gordon Brown and George Bush, and his answer to that tidbid was that "well, I dont ge eh, a eh, number den or a white house or anytin, not dat I'd like a white house anyway". Yeah well you don't get a population of 300 million and a huge army to preside over either thank fuck. It's galling to think at a time when this government are closing down hospital wards and warning people about overspending (how ironic) they're happy to turn around and grab grab grab like grinning little Shylocks.

It's reassuring to know however that he does now posess a bank account - he'd have a hard time stuffing that wad into a sock.