"To be able to step into the job of the presidency on day one"

Go Campbell Brown of CNN. She absolutely grilled Tucker Bounds (McCain's top spokesman) to the point of dead air. The McCain campaign so pissed off by the interview that they cancelled McCain's appearance on Larry King Live, saying that Brown had "gone over the line". What line? She asked questions, and poked holes in a bullshit arguement. Here's the line crossing:

To recap, here's what we've learned about Palin in the 5 days since we've heard of her:

• Palin is under investigation in a nasty conflict involving her sister, a state trooper, an ugly divorce and the firing of Alaska Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan.

• Alaska State Senate President Lyda Green told the Anchorage Daily News last Saturday that "she's not prepared to be Governor. How can she be prepared to be Vice President or President?"

• Maj. Gen. Craig Campbell, adjutant general of the Alaska National Guard, said he and Palin play no role in national defense activities; and in an interview with Alaska Business Monthly earlier this year she said "I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq."

• From 2003 to 2005 Sarah served as one of three directors of the "Ted Stevens Excellence in Public Service" lobbying group. In July 2008 the senior Alaska senator was indicted on seven counts of corruption.

• Members of a wierdo Alaskan secessionist party say Palin was a member in the 90s. They want to secede from the union that she and McCain want to lead.
  

• An Alaska State Senator has revealed that the McCain campaign is stalling an investigation of Sarah Palin.

• Palin has lobbyed to have polar bears removed from the endangered species list to make oil drilling in their habitats easier.
  

• Video footage reveals Palin talking to her church congregation about how her policies are "shaped" by God and that we need to pray for succesful completions of oil pipelines.

Well at least shes got the caribou hunting/Alaskan/pro-life/female/skidoo racing vote sewn up.

Absolut gobshite

It's incredible how the internets works. In less than five minutes I have gone from looking at a €45 bottle of water to laughing my ass off at the futility of life as an impressionable 13 year old in modern society...

1. Look at twentymajor's blog post about "bling water" being sold in Superquinn.
2. Search "bling water" on google as am wondering how water could cost that much, and what fucktards would buy it.
3. Discover that Paris Hilton was spotted pouring a bottle into her ratdog's bowl. That daft bint should be arrested again for inciting hatred.
4. Discover a new blog and a new word which I will appropriate: "asshat"
5. See a result "Where can i buy Bling water??? also is it alcoh..." and need to see if the suffix "olic" appears on the post as that would make the poster a complete idiot.
6. See that "olic" does in fact appear and laugh uncontrollably for a good 40 seconds. As the poster admits that they're only 13 and think that water is alcoholic I decide that their profile is a must see.
7. Not disappointed! Comedy gold ensues! Discover the selfishness of California lovers and the dichotomy of the iphone:
   
   things i hate: WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE " I LOVE CALIFORNIA" BUT NEVER HAVE EVEN BEEN THERE AND THEY TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME AND THEIR SCREENAME HAS LIKE CALI IN IT OR SOMETHING!!! SOOOO ANNOYING!!! also i hate iphones i just don't get the point of having a phone and an ipod i personally think they should be separate.
   
   
8. Even more laughter! Dillusional teenie also asks questions about finding an agent, how ebay works and how can she and her 5 bffs become famous. Absolut internets.
   

- click the pic -

Can you feel the disgust?

I didn't make it Oxegen this year, but I did hear about some daft bint who climbed one of the support struts in a tent during MGMTs show. They had to stop playing for ages to coax the attention seeking muppet down. A few videos of the incident have appeared on youtube, but nothing captures the wrath and complete hate that she faced as this one:



I was at Oxegen a few years back watching WuTang Clan outside in the rain and someone climbed up the sound tent. Nobody gave a toss.

Lemony Snickets

Rosa Klebb, Nike Spokewoman

London's stab happy teens are out of control, with 53 deaths this year alone. It's an issue that everyone is aware of, and even the dog on the street has commented about it.

However, the fucktard marketers over at Nike missed it completely and have had to pull a range of sneakers from their flagship NikeTown London store due to their slightly insensitive name: Air Stab.

This beautifully titled shoe is from a limited edition range, which two years ago featured the line "runnin' and gunnin' on the inner lining. A spokesman for Nike said the name for the running shoes came from stability, and had nothing to do with knives. Yeah just like gunning had to do with Gunter von Hagens, the controversial anatomist who invented the technique for preserving biological tissue.

He said the retro range, which was only sold in the central London store, was "an unfortunate coincidence timing-wise". It's just a pity that some kids had to go and kill some other kids, putting back the launch of their highly anticipated sneaker. Now nobody gets the sneakers, which by the way are the ugliest sneakers I've seen since these hideous troll boots:

Just what we need

What the hell is going on here? This is seriously embarassing, and to my mind it's more important news than day two of the recession. Bennigan's have two outlets in Ireland. Not one, but two.

For my Irish readers: Bennigan's is the food equivalent of the Supermacs of America, a tacky pub/grill that serves deep fried everything on paper plates with a healthy dose of mock-Irish kitsch (signs that read: Hurling Est 1972). It's over-priced and over-patroned.

For my American readers: stop laughing at us for importing your shit, as it is also a sad day for you because you have created a new term and arrived a new low in the history of commercialism:

RE-BASTARDIZATION: the process of stealing one nation's culture, processing it like plastic cheese, franchising it like Starbucks and throwing in a leprechaun advert just in time to sell it back to the original culture complete with "inner leprechaun" website.

Honestly we do not as a nation need this dirt. Why did someone decide to import a photocopy of their own culture, and why have we not turned this person into a public art installation for dogs to piss on and people to laugh at?

Internets backfires, makes idiot look like an idiot. Online.

On Tuesday somebody posted on boards the following message:

"yeah i cheated my ass of in most exams, had a fully programmable calculator with 1 gig flash card, my examiner was a dope (love her tho she was nice <3)> im sitting at about 500 points i would say, and unless something MAJORLY goes wrong, i have my first choice in the bag."

The resulting thread is quite spectacular in that the above fucktard didn't really do much to disguise their badness, was easily tracked and as a result has been immortalised in a motivational office-style poster:


Looks like a 7 year ban from all State Examinations, and yes Salman that does include the driving test also.

5 Years On: Iraq at Peace and Prospering

It was this day 5 years ago that George W. Bush declared that "major combat operations in Iraq have ended" infront of a giant 'Mission Accomplished' banner onboard the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln. Since that memorable day's historic declaration of victory, both peace and progressive democratic insitutions are the order of the day in Iraq instead of a man with a questionable sense of fashion and a penchant for weapons of mass destruction. Let's look at some fun facts in support of the post-war "operations":

• Now in it's sixth year, onlyVietnam, Afghanistan and the Revolutionary War have engaged America for longer periods. If we keep the chins up and the focus focused we will outpass both Vietnam and the Revolutionary War in the next 12 months. Awesome!
• Only 4,061 American soldiers have died - if you compare that with how many people die from smoking in America each year you'll see it's a insignificant number and not really as as important as it's made out to be by headline grabbing, leftist media like the New York Times.
  
• With the recent interest rate cuts from the Fed it's a great time to increase military spending as borrowing is now cheaper than ever.
  
• Iraq is one of the few places on this great earth's surface where you can guarantee year-round sun. Think of all the troublesome teenagers who were sent away to Iraq to learn life skills like submission/anger/tidiness/shoe polishing with the army, all the time while picking up a great tan and learning to fire high powered assault rifles. Would you prefer them to be shooting you instead some potential terrorist?

Think about it. I know Rumsfeld did.

The Muppet of the Week Award...

...goes to Kieron Sanders (13) of Tredegar in Wales. This daft tit went to a tanning salon three times in one day and ended up with infected burns on his face. According to his mam "Kieron is quite a vain boy and he is self-conscious about his acne - that was why he used sunbeds." We all know that burning your face into a swollen, infected mess is a good way to hide acne, but methinks Kieron took it a step too far this time.

It kind of looks like he's got cornflakes on his chin. Hey Kieron the cereal goes in your mouth not on your mouth.

Freeters

In a (not really) suprising incident yesterday, John McCain made repeated claims that Iran was funding Al-Qaeda. It's not exactly a wild statement from a republican to make allegations of "freedom hating" - or freeting as I like to call it - but when you take into account that Iran is primarily a Shiite country and that Al-Qaeda are a Sunni group it's kind of ignorant. Especially seeing as this is a guy who could be representing America on the world stage in 8 months time.

Now John you've got the get the facts right before you start bringing the pain. Plus you're not the president yet, so shut the fuck up and let Bush take care of the gaffes in front of the world media.

UPDATE:
He's been in Israel today, hanging out with Israelis. Referring to Hamas and Hezbollah he said (in a not-too-diplomatic-way) : "They are dedicated to the extinction of everything that the US, Israel and the West believe and stand for." In response the Israeli Foreign Minister Ms. Livni said: "I know that we share the same understanding of the nature of the crisis in the region."

Good to know that they both agree that Hamas and Hezbollah are freeters. Except for their own nation's freedoms which they want, but which are not recognized as they disagree with the main principle of Freetanism: potential freeters don't get to decide which freedoms are right.

You've got to be kidding me

For a long time I've thought that Cristiano Ronaldo is a twit. In fact, since the very first time I saw him dive on the ground after being manhandled by an imaginary assailant, then roll in agony after being shot by an imaginary sniper I've pretty much thought that he stands for everything that is wrong in soccer. He's a diving, cheating little fucktard.

Well finally someone has figured out a way to take him down. United were away to Lyon in the Champions League last night, and Ronaldo was the victim of a "laser attack". Somebody snuck in what I presume was a flesh-burning laser gun similar to the type found in Sean Connery-era Bond movies. Or it came from the Death Star. Either way it's pretty impressive, and certainly a novel way to rid the world of Ronaldo's gymnastics.

According to the story on BBC, Ronaldo was "targeted by a laser beam", but somehow "had no ill effects in the game." But how could a laser cause no harm? Did he wear armour? Or did he acrobatically avoid the lasers and take out Blofeld or whoever was behind the nasty plot?

You have to read the BBC's story to see the ludicrousity of the situation. A grown man was targeted by a laser pen. A laser pen. I'll say it once more: A LASER PEN. No sir, I am no longer a fan of that sport.

Wasting of government mindspace

Donie Cassidy: Minister for Transport, Toytown

Leader of the Seanad, and regular contributor of rubbish Donie Cassidy believes we should put a 80km/ph speed limit on foreign drivers. That includes immigrants, migrants, tourists and anyone who doesn't happen to be from Ireland. Apparently we should also look at changing the side of the road we drive on, because that's really easy to do. Sure we could alternate for a while to get a feeling for it before we made the move to the right permanently.

We can't even regulate the existing bloody limit, how does he think we could police a whole seperate limit for 10% of the population? Maybe we should microchip all the foreigners when they enter, then the gardai's "radars" could tell them if an approaching car was controlled by a feckless foreigner. All we'd have to do is change the constitution in a few places, sure we could do that the same day we're doing that thing about Lisbon - lash it all in together, confuse people. it works.

Rudy: A Brief Electoral History

"I'll see your sick Mormon ass in Florida - I'm gonna tear you apart like a 'gator. Rrrrraaaarrr. Like a gator with claws!"

"Hey what's that - New Hampshire?? Is that another state?"

"Oh you're fucking kidding me, there are more than two states?"


"I swear I was this close to losing to Huckabee. Mike Huckabee.I am so done."


Fin

Good riddance to bad rednecks

Fred Thompson (yes that Fred Thompson of Law & Order: Which Franchise now?) has officially pulled out of the race for the Republican nomination for the race for the president of the United States. A lot of racing, and a lot of people looking out of breath already - Mike Puffabee not exempt from poor punnage here either.

Anyway I think it's great that people have realized that he's a turd. The self-styled 21st century Reagan was viewed in some polls as the most conservative of the Republican candidates, with Rudy Giuliani was being viewed as the most liberal (liberal as in one his policies being the construction of a fence between the US and Mexico) - quite the achievement when you consider that scale. His more constructive policies included:

- continuing US mission in Iraq as it is central to war on "Islamo-terrorism"
- greatly expanding the US military
- reducing social scurity benefits
- opposing national healthcare
- making English the official language of the US
- opposing mandatory higher fuel efficiency standards
- doing "more research to determine human impact on global warming" as it would be economically unfeasible for the US to adopt global warming restrictions

Quite the philanthropist. And the character actor. And the loser.

Goodbye Fred, enjoy relative obscurity...


P.S. OK I'll admit that I did add the Godfather 2 style shading on the campaign picture, but you can't deny that he's a total ringer for Count Vigo from Ghostbusters II:

Gizza teeebahg

Let's all join in and send the prick a teabag

Dig Out Day, December 7th

All wine and no house

Ahh poor oul' Amy, she's had to go and cancel all of the remaining shows on her tour because she can't deal with being away from that guy whose surname sounds like a syndrome.

In reality though it's no wonder she's completely fucked - aside from having a pretty meteoric drinking problem (she makes Dudley Moore look like a fucking pioneer), she's been taking daily advice from Pete Doherty.

What kind of daft bint - irrespective of level of pollutedness - would listen to that mangled twat? And what advice could he possibly give? Take up smack, it gives you cool rings under your eyes?

Best. News. Ever

It's over. Not immediately unfortunately, but in 2009 the ginger overlord will finally stop making shit music. "I've kind of decided that the 25 years is going to be enough," he says. I couldn't agree more.

In honour of this momentous occasion, here's two of the rabbit-lover's greatest hits:

Bunny's too tight to mention

Holding back the ears

A well reported fact is that Mick Hucknall was one of thirty-odd people who saw the Sex Pistols play in the Lesser Free Trade Hall in Manchester in 1976 - widely regarded as the most influential British gig of all time. That group of onlookers were so inspired that Joy Division, The Fall, The Smiths and The Buzzcocks were formed. Oh yeah, and the little know record company Factory Records.

To think that fuckwit was there too and somehow thought "saxophones, old style R&B and crooning, that's the future". Why couldn't he have caught a cold or got food poisoning and not went, and not thought about music, and instead stayed in his shitty little house in Denton (part of Manchester) and kept his shitty little lyrics to himself?

Ironic for Hucknall to come from Denton, as it was originally a significant centre for hat manufacturing...

Oooh spooky

Came across this apparent proof of the existence of ghosts. It's a very famous, widely-referenced, and utterly ridiculous photo which shows a "ghostly figure" rising from the ground, apparently wielding a knife. Or to my eyes some guy kneeling among the bushes taking a shit. What makes it even more hilarious is the testimony of the photographer:

"We had it developed at Thrifty Drug Store and I know no one tampered with it."

Good enough for me.

Ah Noel, you didn't...

Not much to say here as we are all aware of poor oul' Noel's shortcomings as a minister. Sure wasn't it he - who as Minister for Communications - when criticized over broadband rollout was heard to say "I am concerned that some commentators overplay the so-called 'broadband failure' in Ireland. They risk unnecessarily damaging Ireland's international reputation."

No you idiotic fucktard, it's you and your half-witted cronies who are unnecessarily damaging Ireland's international reputation; well at least whats left of it after Bertie wore those yellow trousers to a G8 summit.