You've got to be kidding me

For a long time I've thought that Cristiano Ronaldo is a twit. In fact, since the very first time I saw him dive on the ground after being manhandled by an imaginary assailant, then roll in agony after being shot by an imaginary sniper I've pretty much thought that he stands for everything that is wrong in soccer. He's a diving, cheating little fucktard.

Well finally someone has figured out a way to take him down. United were away to Lyon in the Champions League last night, and Ronaldo was the victim of a "laser attack". Somebody snuck in what I presume was a flesh-burning laser gun similar to the type found in Sean Connery-era Bond movies. Or it came from the Death Star. Either way it's pretty impressive, and certainly a novel way to rid the world of Ronaldo's gymnastics.

According to the story on BBC, Ronaldo was "targeted by a laser beam", but somehow "had no ill effects in the game." But how could a laser cause no harm? Did he wear armour? Or did he acrobatically avoid the lasers and take out Blofeld or whoever was behind the nasty plot?

You have to read the BBC's story to see the ludicrousity of the situation. A grown man was targeted by a laser pen. A laser pen. I'll say it once more: A LASER PEN. No sir, I am no longer a fan of that sport.