Chapayevsk: Not exactly Trabolgan

A while back I mentioned the island of Tristan de Cunha as areshole of the world. Well if that's the case (and I usually stand by my convictions) then Chapayevsk is the failing kidney of the world. In fact this place is such a shitbox that the mayor - Nikolai Malakhov - is calling for his own town to be shut down. He told visiting state officials that he wants the town closed down and the citizens re-settled.

This former beacon of Soviet industrialism was the home to their most productive arms factories, including the ones that produced lovely toxic agents. It also got an employment-boosting weapons disposal factory in 2001 to sit astride the now defunct Soviet munitions factories and the thriving local chlorine plant. One of Russia's largest daily newspapers reports that "mortality rates caused by tuberculosis, cancer of the throat, liver and the kidneys are three times higher in Chapayevsk than in the rest of the region."

I can't see the townspeople getting moved however as last year the Natural Resources Minister Alexander Fyodorov advised local leaders in Chapayevsk to look on the positive side and project an "aura of well-being," which would attract investment. That's the spirit.

"Ordinary Christians"

Some bunch of nutters have barricaded themselves into a cave in Western Russia, apparently awaiting another end-of-the-world scenario. They've armed themselves with explosives and a gas tank, and will commit suicide if the cops try to intervene. Yeah that should scare off the authorities...they're Russian. Does Beslan ring a bell? What about that theater in Moscow?

The end of the world is going to happen sometime next May by the way. So for some reason the bossman decided that they should spend all winter in a cave in sub-zero temperatures. As with all religious leaders, their spiritual guide Pyotr Kuznetsov is leading by example and not living in the cave. This legend was diagnosed with schizophrenia and has been sleeping in a coffin for the last few months. Now that's a guy who's hands you want to put your life in.

The reports from Russian media are fantastic - it's hard to know whats true as they heavily censor media and they are a nation of crazies, but there are some classic quotes. "They are ordinary Christians, they just don't accept tax numbers and passports" said Father Georgy, the local priest. Well it's hardly worth killing yourself and a bunch of kids over it, is it? Apparently a lot of people in Russia have refused their new identification numbers as they contain "satanic combinations of numbers" - yeah it's called a taxable identity. Welcome to the west.

As usual with the Russian authorities, useful information is at a premium: "Their supplies include half a ton of honey and a lot of jam," says Alevtina Volchkova, chief prosecutor of Bekovsky district. And we all know what those sick bastards could do with honey and jam... feel free to pun away about sticky situations and the like, but I'm so above that.

My favourite though is this nugget: "Attempts to coax them out of the cave or at least to release the children have been unsuccessful as the sect members have taken a vow of silence". Brilliant. Creating your own Catch-22. Maybe that should read .22 ...

Well I guess they've tried the politically correct way of police negotiations, it's probably not too long before we see the more 'explosive' style of negotiation that the Russian army prides herself in.

Game Over.