You know it's been a heavy weekend when....

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You put on two belts and don't realise for a few hours. That's what a work xmas party, the 12 pubs of christmas and sunday pints will do to you.

As you can see the Blackberry Pearl is all about photo quality.

The Bertie Supremacy

I'm quite happy with my work.

The Drug Problem

Isn't it great to see middle Ireland's moral outcry over the recent spate of dodgy cocaine deaths? You can just see all the Range Rover-driving parents of south Dublin crying out about the druggies, unaware that Fionnán and Eva are burning holes in their noses with Daddy's pocket money. See reading a front page spread about a model that died tragically really takes it home to those who prefer to ignore what they see around them.

The problem with all the sudden publicity is that the outcome of all the 'Primetime Investigates’ shows, tabloid feeding frenzies and broadsheet editorials will be much the same as the solution to the heroin epidemic of the 80's/90's: an ironically quick fix. Patch it up and wait for it to explode again. The government policy for dealing with the heroin problem in Ireland was a widespread methadone treatment programme which admittedly did help drive down drug-related personal crime. But the problem was (and still is) that there were no resources given to treatment centres, or to the social reasons why people become addicts. The current number of residential beds available in Dublin to an estimated 14,500 heroin addicts is a shockingly small 200.

So imagine a heroin addict who has a revelation one day and decides to go clean. He calls into a treatment centre and is told that he'll have to wait about a year before a bed becomes available. What chance does this fella have? None. Well maybe a slight one because there's a massive 28 detox beds too. Wexford Town has one of the highest per-capita heroin addictions in the country, yet to receive methadone a user has to travel to Waterford City. This is due to "respectable" pharmacies that would rather flog Vitamin C tablets and self-tanner than actual medicine. Now what happens when the gardai (who have been blatantly ignoring the issue) start to clamp down on cocaine users - they'll go looking for beds that aren't there too.

From what I saw of the Primetime documentary last night it was another gloriously spurned chance to investigate the social issues that surround drug addiction, and instead a focus on the gangs and the mules that are flooding our country with coke. Why does no-one ever look at the societal reasons: we're a cocky, self-sure and young nation with money to burn and fun to be had? Or the community issues, where the easiest way to forget the shitbox you live in is to get high and have fun. To address the problems you have to look at the cause first and the result last.

But sure what do I know, I'm not a TD who needs to win votes and not embarrass the parents who can give them.

Arsehole of the world?

A British island which claims that it's the remotest island in the world is fucked. Completely fucked.

Many of Tristan de Cunha's 271 residents have developed severe breathing problems due to acute viral asthma. Their one doctor (exactly) has issued an appeal for medical supplies, but it's not as simple as DHL-ing them. The nearest country is St. Helena, but at almost 2,500km away it's not exactly a short hope on the red line. And they've undoubtedly got their own medical issues too, as they are home to the largest per capita Jehovah's Witness population in the world. So no blood transfusions there I guess.

Both of these countries are part of the British "commonwealth", although St. Helena's economy is a disaster since their string and rope processing businesses vanished in the late 60's. Seriously, I didn't make that up. So not a whole lot of aid from the neighbours either. Planes can't land at Tristan de Cunha as there's no airstrip, and boats from Capetown only come every six weeks or so (see schedule here). There's also no guarantee that they can dock because the island is located in the roaring forties. The sea is so mental down there that there's an uninhabited neighbouring island called "Inacessible Island". Even the tourism pages mention the "rapid changes" in weather.

So you've got viral asthma, there's no medicine and only one doctor for 270 people. Your nearest neighbours are 2,500km away and are idiots (Jehovas Witnesses), your next possible visit from the outside world is January 16th - and that's providing the boat can get close. As I said earlier, fucked.

Take a look at the wiki for the island though - it's got a crazy story from the small gene pool (only eight surnames), to plagues of rats that destroyed crops, invasion by American confederate cruisers, volcanic eruptions, atomic bomb testing (that the islanders were never told about) and a serious lack of alcohol.

I want one

It can display the word "idiot". Sold.

Gizza teeebahg

Let's all join in and send the prick a teabag

Dig Out Day, December 7th

The good news

Feeling evangelical? Want to convince your neighbours that the earth is only 8,000 years old? Yes, I know that conventional geology says that that's about how long it takes to form an inch of limestone, never mind everything. The big problem though is that even after you've added up the ages of all the people in the bible and remembered to take everything in it literally, there's still usually a few snags - ummm fossils are one. Oh yeah and dinosaur bones. Erosion too.

Luckily enough for 100 million+ people worldwide who do believe that the world is less than 10,000 years olf there are now 'creatonist geologists', who are trying to fit the story of Noah's Ark around the planet's history, regularily ignoring carbon-dated evidence and people with brains ("heathens"). There's a book called "The Genesis Flood", in which a relatively obscure, century-old theory of Noah’s flood as the most violent catastrophe in earth history was succesfully revived. The flood - apparently - warped the normal geological processes and caused rapid transformations. Water from the skies and from within the earth (“the floodgates of heaven”) slammed into the oceans, killing the sea creatures and covering the “high mountains,” as it said - apparently - in Genesis. For months afterward, the planet convulsed with earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes. After a brief ice age, the earth became the ecosystem we know today. Apparently. Continents shifted; the water receded; the animals left the ark and spread over the earth.

One question. Just how big was this ark? If it fitted two of every creature in the world it would have used Titanic sized boats for liferaft. So far science has identified over 2 million species that live on earth, with many believing that there is in the region of 30 million. Now if we take the creatonists view that evolution does not happen, we have to believe that every creature that's here now, was here then. So that's 30 million creatures, in pairs. 60 million. On a boat.

Well excitingly enough this list below will help you illustrate what actually happened over the course of Noah's flood, explaining away evolution of both animals and humans. Now some might say that forty days and nights is not long enough but hey, we all saw what happened in the first seven days! And 'he' even rested for one of them, so there!

All wine and no house

Ahh poor oul' Amy, she's had to go and cancel all of the remaining shows on her tour because she can't deal with being away from that guy whose surname sounds like a syndrome.

In reality though it's no wonder she's completely fucked - aside from having a pretty meteoric drinking problem (she makes Dudley Moore look like a fucking pioneer), she's been taking daily advice from Pete Doherty.

What kind of daft bint - irrespective of level of pollutedness - would listen to that mangled twat? And what advice could he possibly give? Take up smack, it gives you cool rings under your eyes?

Embarassed?

Norn Iron (seen here celebrating winning a corner kick against Iceland) are now ranked above us in the soccer standings. That's nearly as embarassing as being in the car with your racist dad when he's being interviewed by CNN. Or nearly as embarassing as realizing you're on this website. And being Tagg Romney.

It is just me, or does this not make any sense?

Was down the tax office this morning getting the motor sorted out. Don't worry, I'm not going to go on about taxes as it's not exactly entertaining. Maybe I'm assuming too much that other things I write about are entertaining...

Anyway the thing is I was wondering what all the different tax classes were, so I downloaded the full "motor vehicle rates of duty" document, and came across this tax band:

- Island Vehicles: €78

Island vehicles?!? Last time I checked, Ireland was an island. According to the Jameson Distillery tour video, it's "Ireland: an island, off an island, off the coast of Europe." It's surrounded by water. It's got indigenous stuff like flowers, wild animals (residents of Limerick City) and tinkers that aren't found anywhere else in the world. According to wikipedia, Ireland is the third largest island in Europe. I also looked at the CIA factbook and they mentioned our island status. However they also said that the "cabinet is appointed by the president with previous nomination by the prime minister and approval of the House of Representatives ", so maybe they're not the most trustworthy source. Eitherways, these mysterious "island" people should have the "mainland" power cut off until they start paying their way. Knackers.

Spread the word

Fig. 1: Motley Crabb

Found this wiki on "How to persuade an atheist to become Christian", which details how to turn those vile, logical people into God-fearing puppets who don't question anything. My personal favourite, which is word for word:

• As strange as it may sound, Christian music is actually a very powerful weapon when dealing with atheists. Music moves people in ways that words often cannot- introduce your friend to Christian music of any kind, you may be surprised how much it will do.

Yes, a fine belt of glass-half-full advice when dealing with heathens: 4HIM, Christafari, NuWine, The Crabb Family, Jordan's Crossing and (YES!!! YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG) Sixpence none the Richer will instill a Godly joy into even the most bitter of heretics.

So go on, give it a shot - next time you're on the 79 bus to Clondalkin and you see a scruffy young thing in a Kappa shiny, lend him your iPod and a Crabb Family tune. Believe me, you will be suprised at how much it will do...

Best. News. Ever

It's over. Not immediately unfortunately, but in 2009 the ginger overlord will finally stop making shit music. "I've kind of decided that the 25 years is going to be enough," he says. I couldn't agree more.

In honour of this momentous occasion, here's two of the rabbit-lover's greatest hits:

Bunny's too tight to mention

Holding back the ears

A well reported fact is that Mick Hucknall was one of thirty-odd people who saw the Sex Pistols play in the Lesser Free Trade Hall in Manchester in 1976 - widely regarded as the most influential British gig of all time. That group of onlookers were so inspired that Joy Division, The Fall, The Smiths and The Buzzcocks were formed. Oh yeah, and the little know record company Factory Records.

To think that fuckwit was there too and somehow thought "saxophones, old style R&B and crooning, that's the future". Why couldn't he have caught a cold or got food poisoning and not went, and not thought about music, and instead stayed in his shitty little house in Denton (part of Manchester) and kept his shitty little lyrics to himself?

Ironic for Hucknall to come from Denton, as it was originally a significant centre for hat manufacturing...

"Ordinary Christians"

Some bunch of nutters have barricaded themselves into a cave in Western Russia, apparently awaiting another end-of-the-world scenario. They've armed themselves with explosives and a gas tank, and will commit suicide if the cops try to intervene. Yeah that should scare off the authorities...they're Russian. Does Beslan ring a bell? What about that theater in Moscow?

The end of the world is going to happen sometime next May by the way. So for some reason the bossman decided that they should spend all winter in a cave in sub-zero temperatures. As with all religious leaders, their spiritual guide Pyotr Kuznetsov is leading by example and not living in the cave. This legend was diagnosed with schizophrenia and has been sleeping in a coffin for the last few months. Now that's a guy who's hands you want to put your life in.

The reports from Russian media are fantastic - it's hard to know whats true as they heavily censor media and they are a nation of crazies, but there are some classic quotes. "They are ordinary Christians, they just don't accept tax numbers and passports" said Father Georgy, the local priest. Well it's hardly worth killing yourself and a bunch of kids over it, is it? Apparently a lot of people in Russia have refused their new identification numbers as they contain "satanic combinations of numbers" - yeah it's called a taxable identity. Welcome to the west.

As usual with the Russian authorities, useful information is at a premium: "Their supplies include half a ton of honey and a lot of jam," says Alevtina Volchkova, chief prosecutor of Bekovsky district. And we all know what those sick bastards could do with honey and jam... feel free to pun away about sticky situations and the like, but I'm so above that.

My favourite though is this nugget: "Attempts to coax them out of the cave or at least to release the children have been unsuccessful as the sect members have taken a vow of silence". Brilliant. Creating your own Catch-22. Maybe that should read .22 ...

Well I guess they've tried the politically correct way of police negotiations, it's probably not too long before we see the more 'explosive' style of negotiation that the Russian army prides herself in.

Game Over.

Nothing is sacred

It's surely gone too far now. I was able to deal with following:

• The A&E waiting times
• The overcrowded hospitals
  
• The overcrowded prisons
• The third-rate communications infrastructure
• The third-rate transport infrastructure
• The gross overspending
• The wearing of yellow trousers at G8 summits
• The undelivered election promises
• The Millenium Spire not being built in time
• The Millenium clock being a criminal waste of money
• The LUAS not being connected
• The e-voting machines that are unused and still costing us money
• The pay rises
• The budget cuts
• The stamp duty that I paid last year as a first time buyer
• The Garda corruption
  
• The endless tribunals
• The cover ups at tribunals

But this, news that a government official 'advised' RTE to not let Professor James Crown (one of the more outspoken critics of the health service) appear on the Late Late on Saturday night amounts to state censorship. It is too far. The rest of the above can be explained away as results of what happens when you let a bunch of muppets take the reigns of a country. Add censorship to the mix and we are now no better than North Korea, Belarus or a whole hose of other poxy countries, run by despots running under the flag of communism and promise of lots of square buildings. Atleast we don't have any square buildings...

Now I'm all about bands that test you. Bands that push the envelope, be it lyrically or musically. Bands that grab inspiration from genres that have seen their day (are you listening emo?) and mash them about to create newer, rawer sounds. Case and point: Faith No More, Led Zeppelin, Leftfield, Go! Team etc etc.

What I'm not about is bands that sound like they don't know each other, and recorded each of their pieces secretly. Their "sound" reminds me of that kids game where four kids each draw part of someones body without seeing eachothers picture. It always looks shit. I'm not about bands that sound like they're trying real fucking hard to be the next big thing and are so far up their own arses that they can't hear that what they're recording is turgid shite. Case and point: Bloc Party.

The nicest word I can use to describe the feeling I get when i hear them is "bored". Honestly, what a bunch of self-appreciating postgraduate smugosapiens. They're no more dramatic, insightful, or intellectual than the writers from Dawson's Creek - just some bunch of knobs who own a thesaurus and got christmas presents of instruments from parents that were guilty for sending them to boarding school. Like look at the picture; you'd have more fun with that other mopey tit Morrisey.

So go see Of Montreal on December 8th in the music centre (now called Button Factory, but I won't call it that because it's a ridiculous name for a venue).

Rugby: A sport for hard men

I really like rugby. It's a winner sport - big hits, complex plays, passion and sheer physicality. Plus every now and then something like this happens...

Stade Francais are a quality team, and my favourites for the European Cup. Animal team, full of top French, Argentine and Italian internationals. The thing is is that their a Parisien team, and the south is the traditional bastion of French rugby. The southern French rugby player is basically a sweaty, toothless, half-peasant half-athlete French culchie. So they always view Paris as Irish culchies view Dublin: a dirty place full of homosexuals.

So some Parisien marketer thought what better way to make our team stand out than wrap them in hi-glow pink skintight jerseys. This interesting take on the rugby kit has more in common with the Tour de France than top tier rugby (ironically enough cycling is the darling sport of Paris). That's been the way for some time now, and they've just released the 2007/2008 version:







Pretty risqué, no? Now what I noticed immediately was this poor guy's expression. He doesn't look to happy, does he? I might hazard a guess that although a Stade Francais player he's not Parisien, and therefore not comfortable with the idea of lying at the bottom of a ruck in that getup.












Apparently it's not seen as cutting edge anymore, as they've been wairing pink kits for a while now and therefore feel like smacking kit design firmly into the noughties. Enter the homage to Magnum PI and Hunter S. Thompson's lovechild: THE BRAND SPANKING NEW HOME STRIP:







Now doesn't he look a lot happier? Same dude, different strip, happier footballer. Still though, it must be difficult sometimes having to wear any of those kits. It's bad losing a big game, but if you've to go back into the dressingroom after and sit there thinking "not only do I feel like shit for losing, I look like a Dutch sex tourist on holidays in the Phillipines"...

I can't stop laughing

Oooh spooky

Came across this apparent proof of the existence of ghosts. It's a very famous, widely-referenced, and utterly ridiculous photo which shows a "ghostly figure" rising from the ground, apparently wielding a knife. Or to my eyes some guy kneeling among the bushes taking a shit. What makes it even more hilarious is the testimony of the photographer:

"We had it developed at Thrifty Drug Store and I know no one tampered with it."

Good enough for me.

Dads: real men

I saw that story that 1/3 of Irish men own a hair straightener this week, and mentioned the story to my old man knowing full well I'd get some smartarse remark out of him about metrosexuals

"What's a hair straightener?" he says.

Classic. That's about the most manly thing I've ever heard, and easily funnier than any jibe he could have come up with. If he knew what a hair straightener was.

What next: sexiest man in Ireland?

Ireland's very own personal fund manager Brian Cowen (pictured left, hanging tight with his old homie Arafat) has turned up in the lastest MRBI poll as Ireland' most popular politician. Even more than Bertie.

Than Bertie.

Bertie!!

Now I know that Fianna Fail have it all planned out for the Bull to take the reigns (ironic, no?) post Bertie, but I bet he's going fucking mental up in Drumcondra. He escaped Bertiegate parts 1 and 2, and how many other controversies over the last 10 years, and finally is falling to a guy who lets be honest looks like someone's been hitting him in the face with a bar of soap inside a towel. Swollen, not bruised.

Ah Noel, you didn't...

Not much to say here as we are all aware of poor oul' Noel's shortcomings as a minister. Sure wasn't it he - who as Minister for Communications - when criticized over broadband rollout was heard to say "I am concerned that some commentators overplay the so-called 'broadband failure' in Ireland. They risk unnecessarily damaging Ireland's international reputation."

No you idiotic fucktard, it's you and your half-witted cronies who are unnecessarily damaging Ireland's international reputation; well at least whats left of it after Bertie wore those yellow trousers to a G8 summit.

governMENTAL

I've got to hand it to Bertie and the lads as things must be going better than the economists, media and well, most people with a wallet think. Why else would they accept large pay increases during an economic slowdown?

Honestly they sound like a fucking Loreal ad, I heard Noel Dempsey on the radio this morning saying that because it was an independent body's recommendation that they had to accept it. What about all the other recommendations from independent bodies that they ignored and are gathering dust or being used as kindling for next weeks bonfires?

And our great leader "the innocent" kept on saying how their salaries are benchmarked against the private sector. Well why in the fuck is his performance not? He wouldn't last two hours as an office temp if he was. He now gets paid more than Gordon Brown and George Bush, and his answer to that tidbid was that "well, I dont ge eh, a eh, number den or a white house or anytin, not dat I'd like a white house anyway". Yeah well you don't get a population of 300 million and a huge army to preside over either thank fuck. It's galling to think at a time when this government are closing down hospital wards and warning people about overspending (how ironic) they're happy to turn around and grab grab grab like grinning little Shylocks.

It's reassuring to know however that he does now posess a bank account - he'd have a hard time stuffing that wad into a sock.

It wasn't the Ma after all...

Well they shouldn't have any problems finding this weird looking fuck - he has no face. A bit like The Blank in Dick Tracy. At least both commissioned drawings from professional, "forensic artists" agree on this unfortunate birthmark.













Yes in the five months since the "face" sketch (right) was published, all we have ascertained is that the abductor had a body, and posessed a pair of chinos. Why don't we question every male over the age of 35 who's ever shopped at Dunnes Stores?

Sorry, I can't hear your accordion

Went to see Arcade Fire last night at the Big Top in the Phoeno. Was well stoked at the idea, seeing as I was one of the gobshites who went to Electric Picnic 2005 (widely touted as one of the finest live performances this country has ever seen) and didn't actually see them. That tends to happen to me a lot - I went to this years EP and missed Primal Scream, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and various other bands on my wishlist. I suppose there's something about rain and fields that makes best laid plans go out the tent window.

You can't fault Arcade Fire for my lack of post-show enthusiasm as they ripped up the stage, giving it socks from the off. The issue was the dirty big rubber tent that looked like something Fossett's would use if they were based out of Vegas and not poxy Mallow. I understand that trying to make a 10-piece band sound good under a bouncy castle's roof has it's difficulties, but thats what you pay €50 a ticket for isn't it? Also this was the second night that Arcade Fire played in the converted hot-air balloon - surely some lessons were learned from the previous nights guinea pigs? No, not fucking likely. I could have wrapped an argyle sweater around my head and it wouldn't have been any more muffled. I felt like a Barbara Streisand fan circa July 2007. Irked - time to ring Joe.

A side heckle is definitely the inability to purchase anythingthat wasn't Becks, "red wine", "white wine", or Abra. Yeah Abra doing outside catering, classic. Can just imagine the corporate bashes they cater for...

1-18-08

Oh who the fuck cares anymore? I'll admit that it was vaguely interesting at first, what with the whole viral marketing thing, but there's some daft bint in New York who has triangulated the location of the apartment in the trailer. What she didn't realise was that they actually shot the scene in New York, therefore the her mapquest/orienteering skills were wholly unecessary. All she had to do was look in Variety, or take a walk down the street (she lives in the neighbourhood) to see what all the fuss was. Probably unemployed.

Apparently the movie's had so much online publicity that JJ Abrams has re-written most of the movie a few times over. Makes me think it was originally going to be shit, and now will be even worse due to a rushed re-write. He's turned into another M Shite Naliyaman, all turkey and no stuffing. What does M Night stand for anyway: Michael Night?

Kit lover.