Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Mormons: What will they think of next?


Sooooo, I guess Mitt Romney not getting the nod is turning out to be a much better decision than we could have ever thought. OK, so he's not a "fundamentalist"Mormon, but I am taking the decision to tar with the same brush purely by name association with those freaky fucks from Texas. They are easily the creepiest sect since Manson's Family, what with the Eurodisney Castle that they all live in and the dresses. For some reason they remind my of that show Alien Nation - they seem to be nice, but there's something not quite right.

Loving the coiffure though.

Alan Partridge: Catalyst for Magic

It's funny how the mind works:

  1. See story about this MP Lembit Opik guy who's marrying one of the Cheeky Girls.
  2. Immediately get reminded of Alan Partridge and his Russian bride Sonja (just like Lembit and his Romanian bride Gabriela, no?)
  3. Rememder episode of I'm Alan Partridge where he pitches an idea for a movie to Tony Hayers (BBC head of programming or something):
"Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future. He's being pursued by a cyber-punk from the past, played by Rutger Hauer."

Friday, April 18, 2008

Malibu Dave owns himself. Or his speech or something.


The Hoff has agreed a divorce settlement with his ex-wife, allowing him to keep his names and catchphrases apparently. According to some celebrity rag he can keep the rights to the names "The Hoff" and "Malibu Dave" and the catchphrase "Don't Hassel the Hoff" in various countries.

Now I don't give a fiddlers how mean a breakup it was, his ex-wife had no right to try and take his name. How dare she? And his catchphrase? What kind of man would he be without these things? David, from an unspecified location in California. "Hey man" he could say, "don't irritate the me". Rubbish.

Anyway, I prefer to remember him pre-Malibu/floor hamburger/comeback single when he gave shortcuts to his heart in newspapers.

DO love to drive a TransAM (it's the only car with graphics of flaming wings - Hoff's insignia for love. Hot Angel, oh yeah...)
DON'T be a tease (the Hoff does not approve, and does not have time)
DON'T treat him like he's a God (God is not human, not Hoff, and therefore can't Hoff-a-tize chicks)
DON'T be jealous of other girls (the Hoff has time for you all)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Priests: Waaaahkiwn Heeaaaa

In an effort to boost numbers of wanabee priests, the St. Joseph's Seminary School in New York has launched a very swishy website called nypriest. Everybody knows that New York is the greatest city/state of mind/Sinatra song/apple/steak cut in the world, so it's no surprise that they're now also home to the coolest priests in the world. Just check out the flash images that scroll across the homepage with the words "THE WORLD NEEDS HEROES"... isn't there something about humility in the bible somewhere?

A tasteful way to interlace 9/11 pride -
"Hey look it's a dead policeman, priests must be fighting the war on terror too"


Anyway that got my mind going:



Pope confuses sex abuse scandal in US for pricing issue on bibles

The Pope and two bishops relaxing yesterday

The pope has come out against the sexual abuse scandal in the States with all the vehemency of a damp dishcloth. Apparently he's "deeply ashamed" of what has happened, and reckons it's "gravely immoral behaviour". Sorry old man but your shame and regret are not good enough. No actions and no tough decisions, just more offensive lip service. He actually had the gall to part blame the scandal on the breakdown of values in US society. So lapse-catholicism and the proliferation of MTV caused some priests to rape children?

You don't think that some sick fucks are attracted to that profession seeing that your church has actively harboured paedophilic rapists and kept them safe from prosecution? That maybe it was all too easy to commit these crimes due to the level of unconditional trust granted by the traditional catholic?

I watched Deliver Us From Evil last weekend, lets just say I'm kinda tetchy on the subject at the moment.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Gumtree? Bumfree?



The Sunday Tribune this week recommended a look at Gumtree's "Freebie" section for tons of great stuff that was, well, free. I've just had a look, and it's a veritable cornucopia of delights alright. Nearly every listing is stuff that's wanted as opposed to offered, but here's my favourites with "spelling" intact:

Manakins bodyforms for art projects (Navan)
Common as muck these days, although I wonder what they answer would be if you replied with the offer of 72
mannequin heads?
need chest of draw, is an emergency (tallaght)
I'm not entirely sure why this clichéd chinaman thinks the word emergency should be associated with folded jumpers

Stetescope
(Meath or Dublin)
With the price of GP fees nowadays who'd blame you wanting to self-diagnose major heart problems?

Portishead on Jools at 10pm tonight

Play freeeeeebirrrrrrrrrrrddd

Moving to Indio, California

Coachella Festival is on the weekend after this. It's lineup is so good that it eclipses the combined lineup from every single festival and gig that I've ever been to. A sample:

Raconteurs, Breeders, Aphex Twin, Fatboy Slim, Goldfrapp, National, Battles, Aesop Rock, Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, Vampire Weekend, Black Kids, Prince, Portishead, Kraftwerk, Sasha & Digweed, Cold War Kids, Hot Chip, MIA, Animal Collective, Bonde do Role, MGMT, St. Vincent, Spiritualized, Justice, Dmitri from Paris, Holy Fuck, Cinematic Orchestra, and Roger Waters.

What is completely fucked up is that there are still tickets available, and that they're $269. With today's conversion rate that's a whopping €169, or how much you'd pay to see Roger Waters by himself in the poxy RDS.

Sick. Sick. Sick

Friday, April 11, 2008

China says: You don't wanna step to this

According to the Beeb China has announced that from now on the olympic torch relay will go "smoothly". That's possibly the most sinister word you could hear from a country like that. It's far too Stazi/KGB-ish in it's thinly veiled PR wordsmithery.

"Smooth, like a Tibetan who's just been run over by a tank."



The Muppet of the Week Award...


...goes to Kieron Sanders (13) of Tredegar in Wales. This daft tit went to a tanning salon three times in one day and ended up with infected burns on his face. According to his mam "Kieron is quite a vain boy and he is self-conscious about his acne - that was why he used sunbeds." We all know that burning your face into a swollen, infected mess is a good way to hide acne, but methinks Kieron took it a step too far this time.

It kind of looks like he's got cornflakes on his chin. Hey Kieron the cereal goes in your mouth not on your mouth.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Chapayevsk: Not exactly Trabolgan

A while back I mentioned the island of Tristan de Cunha as areshole of the world. Well if that's the case (and I usually stand by my convictions) then Chapayevsk is the failing kidney of the world. In fact this place is such a shitbox that the mayor - Nikolai Malakhov - is calling for his own town to be shut down. He told visiting state officials that he wants the town closed down and the citizens re-settled.

This former beacon of Soviet industrialism was the home to their most productive arms factories, including the ones that produced lovely toxic agents. It also got an employment-boosting weapons disposal factory in 2001 to sit astride the now defunct Soviet munitions factories and the thriving local chlorine plant. One of Russia's largest daily newspapers reports that "mortality rates caused by tuberculosis, cancer of the throat, liver and the kidneys are three times higher in Chapayevsk than in the rest of the region."

I can't see the townspeople getting moved however as last year the Natural Resources Minister Alexander Fyodorov advised local leaders in Chapayevsk to look on the positive side and project an "aura of well-being," which would attract investment. That's the spirit.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The Puffed Chests

So now we're debating Bertie Ahern's legacy, and it is just getting more incredible by the day. Not only was the Irish Mother Theresa solely responsible for the Celtic Tiger and bringing peace to Norn Iron all on his own, but I guess it'll come out soon that he also fed the multitude with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes. Impressive, no?

Well if you're somebody who actively avoids the shite scrawled by Eoghan Harris in the Sindo or the chest-beating rubbish that Martin Mansergh trots out on the radio you'll realise that it's all heavily spun lies. The troubles had ended in Norn Iron and the foundations for peace were there - it didn't matter whether it was Albert Reynolds, John Bruton or Bertie Ahern in office. The extremists had grown old and the public tired of violence. Undoubtedly a good job done, but anyone in that office would have done the same.

A group of inebriated teenagers could have steered Ireland through the last 15 years of unprecedented wealth and economic growth. Contrary to now popular belief Bertie did not create the Celtic Tiger - that was a natural economic product of past policies of free third-level education and low corporation tax. Examine the three most important societal needs after all these years of prosperity, budget surplusses and overflowing bank accounts:

- A bloated, unefficient and frequently lethal "health" service where we employ more middle managers that front-line staff, headed by the most un-healthy looking toad you could ever lay eyes on.
- A monopolized public transport system where it can cost more to travel by rail than by air, and an arterial road system where we still haven't managed to connect any of our cities by (tolled) motorway.
- An underfunded school system that's "free" yet depends on donations from parents, where some school buildings aren't fit to house animals in, where we reward exam-time regurgitation and not critical thinking, and where after 14 years of 'high quality schooling' our nation can't even speak it's national language.

Think of the voting machines, the LUAS overspend, and the PPARS debacle; think of the man who called Turks "kebabs" and got appointed as Minister for Integration; the backing of Ray Burke, Liam Lawlor and Charlie Haughey as decent fellas; the new pay packet that made him the highest-paid leader in the democratic world; the iodine tablets sent to every house in the country, the millenium clock that never reached the millenium and the millenium spire that was a year late; the lies, delaying tactis, crocodile tears, cover ups and high-court challenges while under investigation for corruption.

This is your legacy Bertie Ahern. No glory, no rose tinted glasses, and no quarter. You sir, were a shitebag, are a shitebag, and will always be remembered (by me at least) as a shitebag.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Breaking News: People reach new (very public) low


This is plain wrong. It'd be less shocking if they didn't look so similar. Besides, who goes on public TV to ask for privacy? Rumour has it their kid looks like Scuzzlebutt...


"Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain, and kills anybody who dares climb to the top. It loves the taste of blood, and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.

On his left arm, instead of a hand, he has.... A piece of celery.

He walks with a limp. Because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but........Patrick Duffy.

So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets... and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets. Tahink, tahink , tahink"

Because he's a huge Oasis fan

Eh yeah. Ronaldinho to join that galactico-magnet Man City. If this is true I'll put money on:

  • Mahon finding out that the only inconsistencies in Bertie's monetary dealings pertain to his Communion savings.
  • Dan Carter, Brian Habana and Sergio Parisse joining Buccaneers RFC.
  • China giving Tibet unconditional independence before the Olympics.
  • The RIAA agreeing to make all legal downloads DRM-free.
  • The numbers 1,2,3,4,5,6, and 7 coming up in the EuroMillions, in that order.
I'm not a sceptic, I just know bullshit when I hear it.

Embarassing

How can you let freeters escape from prison??? Apparently 9 radical Islamists who are serving life sentences in Kenitra (Morocco's "high security" prison) for helping to plan the Casablanca suicide bombings of 2003 have escaped. They tunneled out. How in 2008 in a maximum security prison can somebody tunnel out? I can kind of understand how tunnel escapes were possible in the two World Wars, what with log cabin jails/John Wark-led football teams/jolly prison guards at Colditz, but this is just ridiculous. Morocco sort it out or John McCain will sort it out for you.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO WALK: we shan't miss you

Thought processes of ministers (left to right) as seen live on TV at 10am this morning:

Martin Cullen: Jaysus I never noticed the bald spot at the back of his head. Wouldye believe it? Wha- what's that? Oh yeah, another clapping bit. All I ever do is clap. Clap clap clap. Suppose it beats real work. Wonder if I could convert them voting machines into ATMs or something...

John Gormless: Wahey! Look at me up here with the big boys. I love real politics. Beats the shit out of saving the planet...

Bertie: Look at yis, ye durty little shitebags. Feckin journalists. Bunch of questioney eh eh little hooers. Could yis noh turn a blind eye or sumtin, eh point is I saved all of yis from yourselves ye spanners. And look at that fat bastard eh Cowen licking his lips. Well I'm de one goin t'Merica so ye can all go fuck off while I'm having de laff at deh Funderland... Disneyland... dat place wit de dolphins...

Brian Lenihan: If that fat bastard Cowen thinks for one second...

Bull Cowen: Oh for the love of all that is holy in the midlands...will you get t'the point. How long do I have to wait before somebody finally pushes you the fuck out of here...

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Kids: Shouldn't do Drugs

Sorry about the delay in posting, I was in Transilvania. No, seriously.

Anyway I usually couldn't give a fiddler's whats going on in the world of celebrities and their latest fashion disasters, but today I saw this picture - holy troutface batman! How could this supahstah go from Goldie Hawn to just Goldie? She hasn't made a movie since 2002, is married to Kurt Russell, and looks like a crack-smoking cross between yer one from that movie Monster and the crazy cat lady on Simpsons. We build them up, and then knock them down. Really far down.