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Please tell everyone you know about this

2008-09-08T14:57:00.004+01:00

I'm not kidding. We all knew Sarah Palin was a mentalist, but this is far too weird. Go to Huffington Post to read the accompanying story. Video is about Palin's crazy church who are actively training teenagers to take over the world. I shit you not.

Cellphone anointing.

"To be able to step into the job of the presidency on day one"

2008-09-03T11:51:00.002+01:00

Go Campbell Brown of CNN. She absolutely grilled Tucker Bounds (McCain's top spokesman) to the point of dead air. The McCain campaign so pissed off by the interview that they cancelled McCain's appearance on Larry King Live, saying that Brown had "gone over the line". What line? She asked questions, and poked holes in a bullshit arguement. Here's the line crossing:

To recap, here's what we've learned about Palin in the 5 days since we've heard of her:

Palin is under investigation in a nasty conflict involving her sister, a state trooper, an ugly divorce and the firing of Alaska Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan.

Alaska State Senate President Lyda Green told the Anchorage Daily News last Saturday that "she's not prepared to be Governor. How can she be prepared to be Vice President or President?"

Maj. Gen. Craig Campbell, adjutant general of the Alaska National Guard, said he and Palin play no role in national defense activities; and in an interview with Alaska Business Monthly earlier this year she said "I haven't really focused much on the war in Iraq."

From 2003 to 2005 Sarah served as one of three directors of the "Ted Stevens Excellence in Public Service" lobbying group. In July 2008 the senior Alaska senator was indicted on seven counts of corruption.

Members of a wierdo Alaskan secessionist party say Palin was a member in the 90s. They want to secede from the union that she and McCain want to lead.

An Alaska State Senator has revealed that the McCain campaign is stalling an investigation of Sarah Palin.

Palin has lobbyed to have polar bears removed from the endangered species list to make oil drilling in their habitats easier.

Video footage reveals Palin talking to her church congregation about how her policies are "shaped" by God and that we need to pray for succesful completions of oil pipelines.

Well at least shes got the caribou hunting/Alaskan/pro-life/female/skidoo racing vote sewn up.

WTF, McCain FTW?

2008-08-29T16:59:00.004+01:00

He's totally pulled a mental rabbit out of the hat here. John McCain has picked 44 year old Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his VP running mate. She's a "reformer" (which doesn't mean anything in the GOP), is younger than Obama, a former beauty queen, and a cynical choice who will undoubtedly help to drag across disenfranchised Hillary fans to the dark side. Hillary fans. How the world could do without them.

"In a moment of seriousness, I've gone and picked a nobody"

Anyway she's not all she's cracked up to be. An opponent of abortion rights, a member of the NRA (and avid hunter no less), and someone who - lets face it - wouldn't have stood a chance of being picked if McCain wasn't so desperate. Or so serious. Plus her kids have worse names than the Romneys: Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper and Trig Paxson Van.

Absolut gobshite

2008-08-28T12:41:00.008+01:00

It's incredible how the internets works. In less than five minutes I have gone from looking at a €45 bottle of water to laughing my ass off at the futility of life as an impressionable 13 year old in modern society...

Look at twentymajor's blog post about "bling water" being sold in Superquinn.
Search "bling water" on google as am wondering how water could cost that much, and what fucktards would buy it.
Discover that Paris Hilton was spotted pouring a bottle into her ratdog's bowl. That daft bint should be arrested again for inciting hatred.
Discover a new blog and a new word which I will appropriate: "asshat"
See a result "Where can i buy Bling water??? also is it alcoh..." and need to see if the suffix "olic" appears on the post as that would make the poster a complete idiot.
See that "olic" does in fact appear and laugh uncontrollably for a good 40 seconds. As the poster admits that they're only 13 and think that water is alcoholic I decide that their profile is a must see.
Not disappointed! Comedy gold ensues! Discover the selfishness of California lovers and the dichotomy of the iphone:

things i hate: WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE " I LOVE CALIFORNIA" BUT NEVER HAVE EVEN BEEN THERE AND THEY TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME AND THEIR SCREENAME HAS LIKE CALI IN IT OR SOMETHING!!! SOOOO ANNOYING!!! also i hate iphones i just don't get the point of having a phone and an ipod i personally think they should be separate.
Even more laughter! Dillusional teenie also asks questions about finding an agent, how ebay works and how can she and her 5 bffs become famous. Absolut internets.

- click the pic -

Pathetic

2008-08-21T12:55:00.001+01:00

You have nothing to be smiling about. Shame on you.

GYWO now on videobox

2008-08-13T09:51:00.003+01:00

Get Your War On happened to be one of the funniest comic strips of all time (see example 1).

Anyway it's now animated and even funnier over on 236.com. Here's the first episode:

Not only soaked, but dumberer

2008-08-13T09:27:00.003+01:00

Finally something to take our mind off the rain - the Leaving Cert results are out today and the most significant statistic is that over 22% of students sitting Maths papers failed. That is not good, especially for penny-counting recessionistas.

2008-08-11T12:31:00.002+01:00

I was on holidays, hence the lack of posting. It was not a crisis of confidence as has been suggested. Anyway in the two weeks or so that I've been away a lot has happened in the news:

- The Olympics have started, as has the back slapping of China. Apparently this is still considered a sporting occasion despite the attendance of over 80 world leaders and the rest of the world's refusal to condemn the spending of $40 billion (4 times the 2012 projection) on the event while most of the country's citizens live in abject poverty. However I do fancy a flutter on Ireland getting at least one medal in boxing, and you can't help but be in awe of Michael "I'm running out of events" Phelps.

- The health service or lack thereof is shit. Ok so it's not news but the fact that since 2005 and an input of over €3 billion we have a total of 10 more beds than we used to. There were 283 people on trolleys last Wednesday.

- Vladimir Putin has shown the world that he is not fucking about anymore. Not only has he invaded Georgia, but one of his envoys talked about re-militarizing their Cuban bases. They're not protecting Russians in South Ossetia or Abkhazia, or else they wouldn't be now bombing the capital Tbilisi. Could it be because the only oil pipeline that runs to Europe from central Asia that doesn't traverse Russia is in....oh wait that's got to be coincidental. Surely the fact that Georgia is de-stabilizing the region of former CIS breakaway nations is the driving factor?

- Barack Obama's campaign is suffering from him being too good or something. Apparently people are getting tired of hearing about Obama, and his lead in some polls has closed to within a few points. He'll be alright though, because once the news slows down the Obamamania reporting and gives equal coverage to John McCain they'll realise what a dick he is.

- The rain. I won't go on about it but the double whammy of record breakers on Saturday is pretty impressive: the second wettest day since records began, plus more rain falling in under 24 hours than in a normal whole month of August.

- Lidltreats finished the €50 challenge and passed with flying colours.

- L'Oreal have decided somewhere along the way that Beyonce is too black.

Olympics getting closer as is certain death for misbehaving fans

2008-07-28T11:52:00.006+01:00

Lifted directly from the Bejing 2008 website:

Like the Five Olympic Rings from which they draw their color and inspiration, Fuwa will serve as the Official Mascots of Beijing 2008 Olympic Games, carrying a message of friendship and peace -- and good wishes from China -- to children all over the world.

Example 1: "Friendship"

Example 2: "Peace" (yes that is a surface to air missile launcher)

Example 3: "Good Wishes from China"

Segway-riding, armour plated police replete with small guns so they don't fall off their segways. Wasn't this in a comedy?

On a Monday morning too! Disgraceful.

2008-07-28T11:51:00.000+01:00

Click here

Friday Image

2008-07-18T15:49:00.006+01:00

Continuing the theme and also raiding b3ta's Image Challenge - these are from their 'Ronseal Plots' series: Imagine a world where movies and books are titled like Ronseal products, with everything turning out exactly as it says on the tin. Then turn it into a lovely picture on the internet.

Can you feel the disgust?

2008-07-17T16:16:00.005+01:00

I didn't make it Oxegen this year, but I did hear about some daft bint who climbed one of the support struts in a tent during MGMTs show. They had to stop playing for ages to coax the attention seeking muppet down. A few videos of the incident have appeared on youtube, but nothing captures the wrath and complete hate that she faced as this one:

I was at Oxegen a few years back watching WuTang Clan outside in the rain and someone climbed up the sound tent. Nobody gave a toss.

Lemony Snickets

2008-07-17T15:42:00.006+01:00

Rosa Klebb, Nike Spokewoman

London's stab happy teens are out of control, with 53 deaths this year alone. It's an issue that everyone is aware of, and even the dog on the street has commented about it.

However, the fucktard marketers over at Nike missed it completely and have had to pull a range of sneakers from their flagship NikeTown London store due to their slightly insensitive name: Air Stab.

This beautifully titled shoe is from a limited edition range, which two years ago featured the line "runnin' and gunnin' on the inner lining. A spokesman for Nike said the name for the running shoes came from stability, and had nothing to do with knives. Yeah just like gunning had to do with Gunter von Hagens, the controversial anatomist who invented the technique for preserving biological tissue.

He said the retro range, which was only sold in the central London store, was "an unfortunate coincidence timing-wise". It's just a pity that some kids had to go and kill some other kids, putting back the launch of their highly anticipated sneaker. Now nobody gets the sneakers, which by the way are the ugliest sneakers I've seen since these hideous troll boots:

Totally Looks Like...

2008-07-17T15:26:00.004+01:00

From those humourbots who brought you I Can Has Cheezburger and the partially funny website GraphJam comes their new, also partially funny website: Totally Looks Like.

Expect this to get big, especially when there is gold like this:

In related news, Nicolas Sarkozy looks like a dick.

Proof that squirrels are not cute

2008-07-11T16:25:00.004+01:00

See, underneath all that bushy-tailed nut-nibbling cuteness is a dirty, rabies-carrying, baby-stealing rodent. Here's a link to squirrel recipes. My favourite is the "Squirrel Bog" - 4 boiled squirrels with sausage, carrots, celery and rice thats all cooked until "boggy". I'm not entirely sure that any food's consistency should be "boggy".

Hideous animal.

Google Trends shows me I've gone into internets recession

2008-07-11T10:59:00.006+01:00

For those of you who haven't heard of Google Trends, it's a pretty cool tool that allows you to see what's popular in the world of internet searches.

I've just realised how sad that sounds. "...the world of internet searches"

Anyway it's a good way to lose a morning finding out what the world's most popular current searches are. So I took a look this morning and this is what I see:

I've just realised how far away from the pulse of internet culture I am. Defeating the purpose of Google Trends, I had to go and google some of the terms just to find out what they were...

1: iv real - still don't know what it means. Even the related searches bit doesn't make any sense
2: betty hutton - a 1950's American singer and actress
3: edgar casey - a misspelt search for Edgar Cayce, noted 1920's medium
4: pilobolus - a Connecticut based group of dancer-athletes
5: iphone 2.0 update - I've heard of this one
6: oe cake - from someone elses blog: "OE-Cake is just a demo of the octave engine." Fact.
7: boondock saints - A movie. A good one too apparently.
8: ladyboy luvin - Apple fanboy popular search while waiting for updates...
9: ipod touch 2.0 update - *Yawn*
10: spokane news - Spokane is a small town in Washington, USA. So I guess it's a search for news from Spokane.

It seems that Web 2.0 (or is it 3.0 now?) is a very different place compared to the tubes that I knew. I would have thought the list would look like this:

Porn, Torrent, Jesus, Conspiracy, Jihad, World of Warcraft, Obama.

Beautiful words cannot make our lives better

2008-07-09T11:34:00.002+01:00

Where do they get the guy to do these voiceovers? I mean if I had a voice that dramatic I wouldn't be wasting it on ad voiceovers, I'd be running for prez myself. You could seriously influence people with a voice that believable.

"It was a time of hope, uncertainty and change - the summer of love... Half a world away, another kind of love... of country..."

It's quite a poetic account of the war which brought us carpet-bombing and Agent Orange, but hey there's an image to be sold. First he's gonna tell you what you don't wanna hear, and then he's gonna do what you don't want done. Straight talk - from his ass to your ears...

Friday Image

2008-07-04T15:03:00.002+01:00

Maybe this will be a new thing, where I can get around not having anything to say by just posting a potentially funny image on a Friday. This is quality though.
Robbed from b3ta.com without permission and without a care in the world

Winehouse not even funny anymore

2008-07-04T12:47:00.003+01:00

So Amy Winehouse played two gigs last weekend - Friday it was ould Nelson Mandela's 140th birthday and then Saturday she was the penultimate act on Glastonbury's main stage. Now I've alluded before here that I think she's a spazmod, and she certainly proved it last weekend. In fact she outdid herself in the pantheon of royal fuck ups.

So first off at Mandela's birthday shes changed the words of "Free Nelson Mandela" to "Free Blakey My Fella" because his junkie self is more important than one of the most inspirational figures of the last century. However, at least she was quasi-sober.

Then she went to Glastonbury, got completely out of her face before going on stage and proceeded to give the shittest and saddest gig since the last time that Simply Red played live. She rambled and slurred her way through songs, made no sense at all, stopped a song because she couldn't "hear" the count-in, and then decked someone in the crowd. Oh yeah and she called Kanye West a cock for some reason. That one I appreciate though.

Now we all used to think Amy's highjinks were funny in a rock and roll way, and that the crazy haristyle was "edgy". How cold is the reality though: she's a junk loving mentalist that's got a TB-carrying badger living on her head.

Anyway I've lost my train of thought and am going tangental here - the lost and found cache from Glasto is a classic. Aside from the usual haul of mobile phones, wallets and other crap were a piano, a prosthetic leg and a barrister's wig. Sounds like props from McCartney and Mills' divorce case. Special mention however for the worst German ever: how efficient is it to leave your passport behind???

Day 8 of the Recession: Pirates taking over

2008-07-01T23:51:00.000+01:00

Day Four of the Recession

2008-06-27T16:03:00.002+01:00

In the grip of a recession frenzy I've decided to invest in a new mezzanine floor for my home office. Honestly for the last four days of the recession I've been at sixes and sevens just trying to make sense of the whole thing - what does it mean for me, what does it mean for my business, and what does it mean for the wider world? Luckily today I received an email with more solid advice than George Lee and David McWilliams could put together, together. A simple subject line was all it took to reel me in:

Recession-Proof Your Business With Our Economy Mezzanine Floor

Confident, brash and business-savvy, this is a subject line that doesn't even need a full stop. EuroMech couldn't give a fiddler's about sentence structure - they don't have time to! They're too busy installing Economy Mezzanine Floors and recession-proofing people's warehouses to care. I'm considering getting one installed in my bedroom and sheltering underneath it just in case the sky falls on my head.

Weirdest website ever

2008-06-27T15:22:00.003+01:00

Check out this mania. Ok so it looks like a
Hollywood interpretation of what a 1990's computer virus looks like.

It took a little while to figure out what the hell it's all about. Apparently it's "html art" and this guy Michael Guidetti designed (?) the site (see original pic, right) before coding it in an epic html splurge.

Mad gear.

Tiny dinosaurs and the other 15,930 animals

2008-06-26T13:21:00.002+01:00

"Oooh, I don't like the look of those clouds," said the Cheetah to the Stegosaurus

I love creationists. Everyone needs a mentalist to brighten up their day, and there are few groups of mentalists who can out-mentalize Creation Ministries International. I've learned a lot from these guys, and have recently had to re-evaluate my views of whether or not dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark. According to CMI's website - Creation On The Web - they were. Now I'm a bit of a sceptic when it comes to all things Ark-like, and I used to highly doubt that dinosaurs were even around when Noah did his corralling. Here follows CMI's scientific explanations for the Ark and it's tiny menagerie:

On the apparent absence of sea creatures from the Ark:
Noah did not need to take sea creatures because they would not necessarily be threatened with extinction by a flood. However, turbulent water carrying sediment would cause massive carnage, as seen in the fossil record, and many oceanic species probably did become extinct because of the Flood. If God in His wisdom decided not to preserve some ocean creatures, this was none of Noah’s business.

On the apparent lack of space for 60 million creatures on the Ark:
Horses, zebras and donkeys are probably descended from an equine (horse-like) kind, since they can interbreed, although the offspring are largely sterile. Dogs, wolves, coyotes and jackals are probably from a common canine (dog-like) kind. All different types of domestic cattle (which are clean animals) are descended from the aurochs, 6 so there were probably at most seven (or possibly 14) domestic cattle aboard. The aurochs itself may have been descended from a cattle kind that also gave rise to bison and water buffaloes. We know that tigers and lions can produce hybrids called tigons and ligers, so it is likely that they are descended from the same original kind. Johnathan Woodmorappe tallied up about 8,000 genera, including extinct genera. Thus about 16,000 individual animals had to be aboard.
Has anyone seen Napoleon Dynamite? A LIGER???

On how a still large number of 16,000 animals could fit in the Ark:
If the animals were kept in cages with an average size of 50x50x30 centimetres the 16,000 animals would only occupy 1,200 m3. Even if a million insect species had to be on board as well, it would not be a problem, because they require little space. If each pair was kept in cages of 10 cm per side...
On how Kangaroos made it to Australia from Ararat:
The continents we now have, with their load of Flood-deposited sedimentary rock, are not the same as whatever continent or continents there may have been in the pre-Flood world. We also lack information as to how animals were distributed before the Flood. Kangaroos (as is true for any other creature) may not have been on an isolated landmass. Genesis 1:9 suggests that there may have been only one landmass. For all we know, kangaroos might have been feeding within a stone’s throw of Noah while he was building the Ark.
On how dinosaurs (because they existed at the same time as man) fit into the Ark:
Certainly, dinosaurs would have been on the Ark: God told Noah to take two of every kind of land animal. Dinosaurs were land animals, and they must have been alive then, because so many of them were fossilized in the Flood...dinosaurs had a type of adolescent growth spurt—the pattern is called sigmoidal, or s–shaped. God could well have chosen specimens He knew would undergo their growth spurt as soon as they left the Ark. This would solve the common sceptical problem of fitting and feeding huge dinosaurs on the Ark. That is, they weren’t actually that huge while they were on board.

So to summarize, it's none of your or Noah's business what animals were invited, evolution and mythical creatures can explain the small number of animals who were there to party, the breakup of Pangaea happened sometime in the last 4,000 years or so allowing Kangaroos to float off into the southern hemisphere, and only tiny dinosaurs were invited onto the ark where they slept in those toy cages we talked about earlier.

Honestly I've lost hours reading their FAQ page. Just remember this parting disclaimer from the CMI however:

Seeing that the Bible can be trusted on testable matters, nonbelievers disregard its warnings concerning future judgment at their own peril.

TFJ to Cindy & John

2008-06-26T12:09:00.005+01:00

Cindy "recipe queen" McCain has announced her intention to expand her humanitarian work and involvement with charities if her 500 year old husband John gets elected. I'm sure the American Voluntary Medical Team are delighted at the prospect of "Percocet Cindy" ramping up her charity work.

I've got to say that I'm not a fan of that pair. He's a twisted war-mongering relic who has been caught on tape singing Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran to the tune of the Beachboys. And whatever about Dubya, at least he never called Laura a cunt.

Click the links, watch the video (do not view if that word offends...), vote O'Bama.

Just what we need

2008-06-24T15:25:00.006+01:00

What the hell is going on here? This is seriously embarassing, and to my mind it's more important news than day two of the recession. Bennigan's have two outlets in Ireland. Not one, but two.

For my Irish readers: Bennigan's is the food equivalent of the Supermacs of America, a tacky pub/grill that serves deep fried everything on paper plates with a healthy dose of mock-Irish kitsch (signs that read: Hurling Est 1972). It's over-priced and over-patroned.

For my American readers: stop laughing at us for importing your shit, as it is also a sad day for you because you have created a new term and arrived a new low in the history of commercialism:

RE-BASTARDIZATION: the process of stealing one nation's culture, processing it like plastic cheese, franchising it like Starbucks and throwing in a leprechaun advert just in time to sell it back to the original culture complete with "inner leprechaun" website.

Honestly we do not as a nation need this dirt. Why did someone decide to import a photocopy of their own culture, and why have we not turned this person into a public art installation for dogs to piss on and people to laugh at?

Buckle Up

2008-06-24T08:26:00.004+01:00

Dublin, this morning

According to the ESRI we are fucked. Ireland is in "the grip" of a recession - not just receding like male pattern baldness, but gripped like a vice by a big hairy hand. We haven't had a recessive year since 1983 apparently. That makes it all the more interesting that in 25 years of growth we still haven't managed to build even a dual-carriageway between our two biggest cities.

Result.

Sick

2008-06-23T11:15:00.002+01:00

What's the world coming to? In a sad weekend where the MDC have pulled out of the Zimbabwean election, it has come to light that Pele was robbed at gunpoint. Now what sick scum would rob Pele?

His chauffeur driven car was surrounded by a gang of 10 in a traffic jam in the scumhole of Guaruja. The incident, which also saw other drivers and passengers robbed, happened close to Pernambuco Beach where Pele has a holiday house. Now I know there's a lot of desperate criminals in Brazil, and maybe they didn't know it was Pele's car. But surely when you bust open the door and see oul' Edison Arantes sitting there in all his glory you'd just say "sorry, didn't know it was you Pele" and go primal on the next car instead?

It's sick. In honour of Pele here's a video of his greatness:

Internets backfires, makes idiot look like an idiot. Online.

2008-06-20T15:28:00.006+01:00

On Tuesday somebody posted on boards the following message:

"yeah i cheated my ass of in most exams, had a fully programmable calculator with 1 gig flash card, my examiner was a dope (love her tho she was nice <3)> im sitting at about 500 points i would say, and unless something MAJORLY goes wrong, i have my first choice in the bag."

The resulting thread is quite spectacular in that the above fucktard didn't really do much to disguise their badness, was easily tracked and as a result has been immortalised in a motivational office-style poster:

Looks like a 7 year ban from all State Examinations, and yes Salman that does include the driving test also.

National Lampoon's European Vacation II

2008-06-18T11:09:00.009+01:00

"Oh good one - down low, too slow...he he he he"

"The naked girl with the guitar???"

"Hey English - where's that guy with the funny teeth?"

Terrorista Pugno Colpo

"Over there, that's Poland."

Europe: Bush's Little Bit on the Side

Lisbon....and on...and on....

2008-06-18T10:15:00.004+01:00

Does anyone miss the mentalist antics of Cóir? Even a little bit? Wasn't it funny having their poster classics around town: "Monkeys", "Nukes", "Weeping Jesus", "Robot Children" and the likes.

Also their memorable appearances on radio and television: making quiet Pat Kenny bark at Niamh Ní Bhroin to shut up; singing "No no, no na-no no, no na-no no, no-no there's NO LISBON" to the tune of "No Limits" by 2unlimited while Brian Lenihan tried to conduct an interview with RTE.

Well they've left us with a few great memories, and have no doubt enriched some of us with their ideology. I for one am treasuring the leaflet placed under my windscreen wiper last week that beautifully combined water charges, EU-wide conscription and prostitution as a multi-whammy of badness.

But spare a thought for those of us with less of a handle on sarcasm, who may be a bit naive in their golden years, and may have believed some of the batshit crazy arguements Cóir put out there. A neighbour told me today that their elderly mother was delighted with the No vote. Why?

"Ah sure I never got used to that ould Euro. Like play money..."

The Internets: Critic Central

2008-06-17T15:36:00.002+01:00

What do you love about Amazon? More than the great deals, the massive selection, the personalized recommendations, or the free shipping (provided you live anywhere that isn't Ireland)? The reviews. To my mind there is not much better time to be had than reading pages of people tearing up pointless kitchen tools.

So for those of us that for some reason thought that the Bible was immune to reviews, think again! Here's a rundown of the best from the King James Edition of the Bible:

"Need a good "Rocky" story? The Bible has the mother of all Rocky stories..."
"From the first book, there are glaring plot holes (where did Cain's wife come from???)"
"Take, for example, the main character, God."
"Of historical interest but a little slow for casual reading"
"...at some points the book is almost preachy in tone."
"Halfway through we meet Gods son, a gentle peacenik who appears totally unsuited to the task of continuing his fathers battles. However in a transformation similar to that of Michael Corleone in Godfather part II he puts aside his reservations in the famous 'desert scene' to emerge a worthy successor - game on!"

Breaking News: People's Asses Getting Bigger, Quicker

2008-06-17T14:15:00.003+01:00

A dutch designer has built an RFID enabled robotic chair for use at an Eindhoven library. All you do is swipe your library card infront of one of the chairs, and go find your book. The chair will follow you around the library so you always have somewhere to sit. Once you go to the checkout counter the chair returns to base, ready for more bunnage.

In other news, there is still no cure for the common cold.

Mugabe taking piss, making R Kelly judge look good.

2008-06-16T16:08:00.006+01:00

Robert Mugabe said today that he won't step down, even if rival Morgan Tsvangirai wins the second-round election. The government rag 'Herald' (apparently just as shite as ours) quoted him as saying:

"We shed a lot of blood for this country. We are not going to give up our country for a mere X on a ballot. How can a ball point pen fight with a gun?"

Mugabe: Making other dictators seem cool for 27 years.

Meanwhile the western world - including Zimbabwe's former colonial owners, Britain - are standing around, tutting at the brazen-ness of Mugabe. British PM and general fucktard Gordon Brown said “(Mugabe’s) criminal cabal ... threatens to make a mockery of free and fair elections in Zimbabwe.” Well done you Gordon, with your tough words and unnerving moral dignity. Even Dubya - the most un-mincing of wordsmiths - had nothing to say: "“The people of Zimbabwe have suffered under the Mugabe leadership and we will work you to ensure this process leads to free and fair elections."

Well I've got something to say too. Leave Ahmadinejad alone, he's a mentalist in the L. Ron Hubbard mode. Leave Kim Jong-Il alone too. He's also a mentalist, but more in the Donald Trump mode. Go after Robert Mugabe - he's a bad man, an easy target and someone who the western world can all agree on is surplus to requirements. Send in Jason Bourne.

Not cool.

2008-06-16T11:17:00.006+01:00

Apparently it is now legal to urinate on minors in America.

Say it with authority and no one will doubt it.

2008-05-15T16:48:00.003+01:00

It's true, most facts are just bullshit disguised with an authorative tone. I do it all the time. However you don't expect the website of the Taoiseach's office to come up with bullshit like this:

(From the "Did you know..." section of www.taoiseach.gov.ie's Youth Zone):

26. Michael Collins was the first Irishman in space, he remained in lunar orbit while his Apollo 11 colleagues, Edwin Aldrin and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon( 21st July 1969)

How exactly was he Irish bar the obvious name? Born in Italy and (according to his wikipedia entry) "during the 17 years in which Michael Collins lived at home, he would call Rome, Oklahoma, Governors Island, Puerto Rico and Alexandria, Virginia home."

It's a stretch too far, not exactly the granny rule is it?

OK so it's been around for a while but it is pretty funny...

2008-05-13T23:11:00.001+01:00

Too Super Cool For His Ticket - Watch more free videos

Don't want my money? Fine.

2008-05-12T12:14:00.003+01:00

I need to ring Revenue, because I apparently owe them tax from 2006. I call the Collector General's number, and go through three or four automated menus until I hear this tiny, weak voice of an old lady on the end of the phone:

"We are sorry for the inconvenience but all of our lines are busy. Please ring back later."

Honestly she sounded like she was a relic from the famine era, holed up in a tiny cottage on Inisbofin. Irrespective of the ghost of Ireland past on the phone, the question has to be asked: why don't have a queing system? A call back system? A voicemail system? They do have a voice recognition system that can understand you on the first go, unlike the Eircom "Sorry, I didn't get that" guys chummy answer to everything you say; but you've to hang up if all of the phonejockeys are busy?

Fine. I'll keep my money so.

Straight Talk Express

2008-05-02T11:33:00.003+01:00

John McCain's "Straight Talk Express" (I can't help but think of Thomas the Tank Engine) tells it like it is. I do believe however that his campaign website is a bit watery, so I've re-done some of the text to give it a bit more presence, or POW-style attitude. "Fuck you voters, follow me or die", he should be seen to say.

4 Years and 49 Weeks On: John McCain is still a Fucktard

2008-05-01T16:15:00.002+01:00

Following on from today's 5 year anniversary celebrations, it seems that just three weeks after Bush & Co declared "mission accomplished", John "Bush 3.0" McCain proclaimed a "massive victory" in Afghanistan and Iraq.

"Readiness" seems to be the key here. The Straight Talk Express is fuelled by horseshit.

5 Years On: Iraq at Peace and Prospering

2008-05-01T12:55:00.004+01:00

It was this day 5 years ago that George W. Bush declared that "major combat operations in Iraq have ended" infront of a giant 'Mission Accomplished' banner onboard the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln. Since that memorable day's historic declaration of victory, both peace and progressive democratic insitutions are the order of the day in Iraq instead of a man with a questionable sense of fashion and a penchant for weapons of ~~mass~~ destruction. Let's look at some fun facts in support of the post-war "operations":

Now in it's sixth year, onlyVietnam, Afghanistan and the Revolutionary War have engaged America for longer periods. If we keep the chins up and the focus focused we will outpass both Vietnam and the Revolutionary War in the next 12 months. Awesome!
Only 4,061 American soldiers have died - if you compare that with how many people die from smoking in America each year you'll see it's a insignificant number and not really as as important as it's made out to be by headline grabbing, leftist media like the New York Times.
With the recent interest rate cuts from the Fed it's a great time to increase military spending as borrowing is now cheaper than ever.
Iraq is one of the few places on this great earth's surface where you can guarantee year-round sun. Think of all the troublesome teenagers who were sent away to Iraq to learn life skills like submission/anger/tidiness/shoe polishing with the army, all the time while picking up a great tan and learning to fire high powered assault rifles. Would you prefer them to be shooting you instead some potential terrorist?

Think about it. I know Rumsfeld did.

Mormons: What will they think of next?

2008-04-22T11:37:00.005+01:00

Sooooo, I guess Mitt Romney not getting the nod is turning out to be a much better decision than we could have ever thought. OK, so he's not a "fundamentalist"Mormon, but I am taking the decision to tar with the same brush purely by name association with those freaky fucks from Texas. They are easily the creepiest sect since Manson's Family, what with the Eurodisney Castle that they all live in and the dresses. For some reason they remind my of that show Alien Nation - they seem to be nice, but there's something not quite right.

Loving the coiffure though.

Alan Partridge: Catalyst for Magic

2008-04-22T10:45:00.005+01:00

It's funny how the mind works:

See story about this MP Lembit Opik guy who's marrying one of the Cheeky Girls.
Immediately get reminded of Alan Partridge and his Russian bride Sonja (just like Lembit and his Romanian bride Gabriela, no?)
Rememder episode of I'm Alan Partridge where he pitches an idea for a movie to Tony Hayers (BBC head of programming or something):

"Malcolm McDowell is trapped in the future. He's being pursued by a cyber-punk from the past, played by Rutger Hauer."

Malibu Dave owns himself. Or his speech or something.

2008-04-18T14:25:00.004+01:00

The Hoff has agreed a divorce settlement with his ex-wife, allowing him to keep his names and catchphrases apparently. According to some celebrity rag he can keep the rights to the names "The Hoff" and "Malibu Dave" and the catchphrase "Don't Hassel the Hoff" in various countries.

Now I don't give a fiddlers how mean a breakup it was, his ex-wife had no right to try and take his name. How dare she? And his catchphrase? What kind of man would he be without these things? David, from an unspecified location in California. "Hey man" he could say, "don't irritate the me". Rubbish.

Anyway, I prefer to remember him pre-Malibu/floor hamburger/comeback single when he gave shortcuts to his heart in newspapers.

DO love to drive a TransAM (it's the only car with graphics of flaming wings - Hoff's insignia for love. Hot Angel, oh yeah...)
DON'T be a tease (the Hoff does not approve, and does not have time)
DON'T treat him like he's a God (God is not human, not Hoff, and therefore can't Hoff-a-tize chicks)
DON'T be jealous of other girls (the Hoff has time for you all)

Priests: Waaaahkiwn Heeaaaa

2008-04-17T13:25:00.007+01:00

In an effort to boost numbers of wanabee priests, the St. Joseph's Seminary School in New York has launched a very swishy website called nypriest. Everybody knows that New York is the greatest city/state of mind/Sinatra song/apple/steak cut in the world, so it's no surprise that they're now also home to the coolest priests in the world. Just check out the flash images that scroll across the homepage with the words "THE WORLD NEEDS HEROES"... isn't there something about humility in the bible somewhere?

A tasteful way to interlace 9/11 pride -
"Hey look it's a dead policeman, priests must be fighting the war on terror too"

Anyway that got my mind going:

Pope confuses sex abuse scandal in US for pricing issue on bibles

2008-04-17T11:52:00.008+01:00

The Pope and two bishops relaxing yesterday

The pope has come out against the sexual abuse scandal in the States with all the vehemency of a damp dishcloth. Apparently he's "deeply ashamed" of what has happened, and reckons it's "gravely immoral behaviour". Sorry old man but your shame and regret are not good enough. No actions and no tough decisions, just more offensive lip service. He actually had the gall to part blame the scandal on the breakdown of values in US society. So lapse-catholicism and the proliferation of MTV caused some priests to rape children?

You don't think that some sick fucks are attracted to that profession seeing that your church has actively harboured paedophilic rapists and kept them safe from prosecution? That maybe it was all too easy to commit these crimes due to the level of unconditional trust granted by the traditional catholic?

I watched Deliver Us From Evil last weekend, lets just say I'm kinda tetchy on the subject at the moment.

Gumtree? Bumfree?

2008-04-15T14:54:00.007+01:00

The Sunday Tribune this week recommended a look at Gumtree's "Freebie" section for tons of great stuff that was, well, free. I've just had a look, and it's a veritable cornucopia of delights alright. Nearly every listing is stuff that's wanted as opposed to offered, but here's my favourites with "spelling" intact:

Manakins bodyforms for art projects (Navan)
Common as muck these days, although I wonder what they answer would be if you replied with the offer of 72 mannequin heads?

need chest of draw, is an emergency (tallaght)
I'm not entirely sure why this clichéd chinaman thinks the word emergency should be associated with folded jumpers

Stetescope (Meath or Dublin)
With the price of GP fees nowadays who'd blame you wanting to self-diagnose major heart problems?

Portishead on Jools at 10pm tonight

2008-04-15T14:10:00.000+01:00

Play freeeeeebirrrrrrrrrrrddd

Moving to Indio, California

2008-04-15T12:24:00.003+01:00

Coachella Festival is on the weekend after this. It's lineup is so good that it eclipses the combined lineup from every single festival and gig that I've ever been to. A sample:

Raconteurs, Breeders, Aphex Twin, Fatboy Slim, Goldfrapp, National, Battles, Aesop Rock, Dan le Sac vs Scroobius Pip, Vampire Weekend, Black Kids, Prince, Portishead, Kraftwerk, Sasha & Digweed, Cold War Kids, Hot Chip, MIA, Animal Collective, Bonde do Role, MGMT, St. Vincent, Spiritualized, Justice, Dmitri from Paris, Holy Fuck, Cinematic Orchestra, and Roger Waters.

What is completely fucked up is that there are still tickets available, and that they're $269. With today's conversion rate that's a whopping €169, or how much you'd pay to see Roger Waters by himself in the poxy RDS.

Sick. Sick. Sick

China says: You don't wanna step to this

2008-04-11T13:08:00.006+01:00

According to the Beeb China has announced that from now on the olympic torch relay will go "smoothly". That's possibly the most sinister word you could hear from a country like that. It's far too Stazi/KGB-ish in it's thinly veiled PR wordsmithery.

"Smooth, like a Tibetan who's just been run over by a tank."

The Muppet of the Week Award...

2008-04-11T10:24:00.007+01:00

...goes to Kieron Sanders (13) of Tredegar in Wales. This daft tit went to a tanning salon three times in one day and ended up with infected burns on his face. According to his mam "Kieron is quite a vain boy and he is self-conscious about his acne - that was why he used sunbeds." We all know that burning your face into a swollen, infected mess is a good way to hide acne, but methinks Kieron took it a step too far this time.

It kind of looks like he's got cornflakes on his chin. Hey Kieron the cereal goes in your mouth not on your mouth.

Chapayevsk: Not exactly Trabolgan

2008-04-09T11:02:00.004+01:00

A while back I mentioned the island of Tristan de Cunha as areshole of the world. Well if that's the case (and I usually stand by my convictions) then Chapayevsk is the failing kidney of the world. In fact this place is such a shitbox that the mayor - Nikolai Malakhov - is calling for his own town to be shut down. He told visiting state officials that he wants the town closed down and the citizens re-settled.

This former beacon of Soviet industrialism was the home to their most productive arms factories, including the ones that produced lovely toxic agents. It also got an employment-boosting weapons disposal factory in 2001 to sit astride the now defunct Soviet munitions factories and the thriving local chlorine plant. One of Russia's largest daily newspapers reports that "mortality rates caused by tuberculosis, cancer of the throat, liver and the kidneys are three times higher in Chapayevsk than in the rest of the region."

I can't see the townspeople getting moved however as last year the Natural Resources Minister Alexander Fyodorov advised local leaders in Chapayevsk to look on the positive side and project an "aura of well-being," which would attract investment. That's the spirit.

The Puffed Chests

2008-04-08T13:48:00.003+01:00

So now we're debating Bertie Ahern's legacy, and it is just getting more incredible by the day. Not only was the Irish Mother Theresa solely responsible for the Celtic Tiger and bringing peace to Norn Iron all on his own, but I guess it'll come out soon that he also fed the multitude with just 5 loaves and 2 fishes. Impressive, no?

Well if you're somebody who actively avoids the shite scrawled by Eoghan Harris in the Sindo or the chest-beating rubbish that Martin Mansergh trots out on the radio you'll realise that it's all heavily spun lies. The troubles had ended in Norn Iron and the foundations for peace were there - it didn't matter whether it was Albert Reynolds, John Bruton or Bertie Ahern in office. The extremists had grown old and the public tired of violence. Undoubtedly a good job done, but anyone in that office would have done the same.

A group of inebriated teenagers could have steered Ireland through the last 15 years of unprecedented wealth and economic growth. Contrary to now popular belief Bertie did not create the Celtic Tiger - that was a natural economic product of past policies of free third-level education and low corporation tax. Examine the three most important societal needs after all these years of prosperity, budget surplusses and overflowing bank accounts:

- A bloated, unefficient and frequently lethal "health" service where we employ more middle managers that front-line staff, headed by the most un-healthy looking toad you could ever lay eyes on.
- A monopolized public transport system where it can cost more to travel by rail than by air, and an arterial road system where we still haven't managed to connect any of our cities by (tolled) motorway.
- An underfunded school system that's "free" yet depends on donations from parents, where some school buildings aren't fit to house animals in, where we reward exam-time regurgitation and not critical thinking, and where after 14 years of 'high quality schooling' our nation can't even speak it's national language.

Think of the voting machines, the LUAS overspend, and the PPARS debacle; think of the man who called Turks "kebabs" and got appointed as Minister for Integration; the backing of Ray Burke, Liam Lawlor and Charlie Haughey as decent fellas; the new pay packet that made him the highest-paid leader in the democratic world; the iodine tablets sent to every house in the country, the millenium clock that never reached the millenium and the millenium spire that was a year late; the lies, delaying tactis, crocodile tears, cover ups and high-court challenges while under investigation for corruption.

This is your legacy Bertie Ahern. No glory, no rose tinted glasses, and no quarter. You sir, were a shitebag, are a shitebag, and will always be remembered (by me at least) as a shitebag.

Breaking News: People reach new (very public) low

2008-04-07T17:35:00.004+01:00

This is plain wrong. It'd be less shocking if they didn't look so similar. Besides, who goes on public TV to ask for privacy? Rumour has it their kid looks like Scuzzlebutt...

"Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain, and kills anybody who dares climb to the top. It loves the taste of blood, and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.

On his left arm, instead of a hand, he has.... A piece of celery.

He walks with a limp. Because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but........Patrick Duffy.

So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets... and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets. Tahink, tahink , tahink"

Because he's a huge Oasis fan

2008-04-07T17:00:00.003+01:00

Eh yeah. Ronaldinho to join that galactico-magnet Man City. If this is true I'll put money on:

Mahon finding out that the only inconsistencies in Bertie's monetary dealings pertain to his Communion savings.
Dan Carter, Brian Habana and Sergio Parisse joining Buccaneers RFC.
China giving Tibet unconditional independence before the Olympics.
The RIAA agreeing to make all legal downloads DRM-free.
The numbers 1,2,3,4,5,6, and 7 coming up in the EuroMillions, in that order.

I'm not a sceptic, I just know bullshit when I hear it.

Embarassing

2008-04-07T16:45:00.003+01:00

How can you let freeters escape from prison??? Apparently 9 radical Islamists who are serving life sentences in Kenitra (Morocco's "high security" prison) for helping to plan the Casablanca suicide bombings of 2003 have escaped. They tunneled out. How in 2008 in a maximum security prison can somebody tunnel out? I can kind of understand how tunnel escapes were possible in the two World Wars, what with log cabin jails/John Wark-led football teams/jolly prison guards at Colditz, but this is just ridiculous. Morocco sort it out or John McCain will sort it out for you.

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO WALK: we shan't miss you

2008-04-02T13:36:00.004+01:00

Thought processes of ministers (left to right) as seen live on TV at 10am this morning:

Martin Cullen: Jaysus I never noticed the bald spot at the back of his head. Wouldye believe it? Wha- what's that? Oh yeah, another clapping bit. All I ever do is clap. Clap clap clap. Suppose it beats real work. Wonder if I could convert them voting machines into ATMs or something...

John Gormless: Wahey! Look at me up here with the big boys. I love real politics. Beats the shit out of saving the planet...

Bertie: Look at yis, ye durty little shitebags. Feckin journalists. Bunch of questioney eh eh little hooers. Could yis noh turn a blind eye or sumtin, eh point is I saved all of yis from yourselves ye spanners. And look at that fat bastard eh Cowen licking his lips. Well I'm de one goin t'Merica so ye can all go fuck off while I'm having de laff at deh Funderland... Disneyland... dat place wit de dolphins...

Brian Lenihan: If that fat bastard Cowen thinks for one second...

Bull Cowen: Oh for the love of all that is holy in the midlands...will you get t'the point. How long do I have to wait before somebody finally pushes you the fuck out of here...

Kids: Shouldn't do Drugs

2008-04-01T12:45:00.006+01:00

Sorry about the delay in posting, I was in Transilvania. No, seriously.

Anyway I usually couldn't give a fiddler's whats going on in the world of celebrities and their latest fashion disasters, but today I saw this picture - holy troutface batman! How could this supahstah go from Goldie Hawn to just Goldie? She hasn't made a movie since 2002, is married to Kurt Russell, and looks like a crack-smoking cross between yer one from that movie Monster and the crazy cat lady on Simpsons. We build them up, and then knock them down. Really far down.

Chequemate

2008-03-20T09:15:00.004Z

I'm going on holidays today, and I fully expect to see a Bertie-less country on my return. High fives all around for Mahon.

Hurling: The Emirati sport of choice

2008-03-19T14:55:00.004Z

Well if this country and it's institutions don't continue to surprise - the new sponsors for the GAA have been announced, and it's a fairly traditional set of sponsors for the Football Championship: Toyota (make jeeps for farmers), Ulster Bank (to appease the Ulster Branch) and Vodafone (second place after losing the iPhone haha).

However the wacky racers over in the Hurling Championship have nailed Etihad Airways (whodefuck?), Guiness (ah yeah that's grand) and RTE (the national broadcaster of course). Etihad Airways?? How many Hurling fans have business traveling to Damascus, Tehran and Khartoum? None I would venture, sure I heard you can't even drink out there...

Aer Arann would have been the obvious choice, with their regular flights from Waterford to Knock et al.

Freeters

2008-03-19T13:49:00.006Z

In a (not really) suprising incident yesterday, John McCain made repeated claims that Iran was funding Al-Qaeda. It's not exactly a wild statement from a republican to make allegations of "freedom hating" - or freeting as I like to call it - but when you take into account that Iran is primarily a Shiite country and that Al-Qaeda are a Sunni group it's kind of ignorant. Especially seeing as this is a guy who could be representing America on the world stage in 8 months time.

Now John you've got the get the facts right before you start bringing the pain. Plus you're not the president yet, so shut the fuck up and let Bush take care of the gaffes in front of the world media.

UPDATE:
He's been in Israel today, hanging out with Israelis. Referring to Hamas and Hezbollah he said (in a not-too-diplomatic-way) : "They are dedicated to the extinction of everything that the US, Israel and the West believe and stand for." In response the Israeli Foreign Minister Ms. Livni said: "I know that we share the same understanding of the nature of the crisis in the region."

Good to know that they both agree that Hamas and Hezbollah are freeters. Except for their own nation's freedoms which they want, but which are not recognized as they disagree with the main principle of Freetanism: potential freeters don't get to decide which freedoms are right.

The great battle of morality

2008-03-11T11:04:00.006Z

In an unending stream of moral-based arguement and ticket-based disappointment, a good friend 'M' has decided to take on the might of an "online ticket broker", or "morally bankrupt cretin" as members of the public like to call them. Said friend wanted to purchase tickets to see Billy Connolly yesterday morning (priced at the princely sum of €55 ex-charges), but TicketBastard had sold out almost instantaneously. By 9:10 am this online scalper www.needaticket.ie was selling them for €140 a piece - nice margins! I guess M has seen the new Rambo movie, because I doubt needaticket were expecting this level of email violence (I definitely didn't expect the retort though) :

----- Original Message -----

From: M

To: office@needaticket.ie

Sent: Monday, March 10, 2008 2:33 PM

Subject: YOU R C***S!!!!

YOU ARE A COMPLETE BUNCH OF ABSOLUTE C***S.

----- Original Message -----

From: office@needaticket.ie

To: M
Sent: Monday, March 10, 2008 3:50 PM

Fuck you M you big fat pillow biter.

Fuck you M you big fat pillow biter.

Get a life

----- Original Message -----

From: M

To: office@needaticket.ie

Sent: Monday, March 10, 2008 4:28 PM

Subject: Re: YOU R C***S!!!!

I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I DO IN FACT HAVE A LIFE, BUT DUE TO ABSOLUTE C***S SUCH AS YOURSELVES I AM UNABLE TO DO ALL THE THINGS I WOULD LIKE, I.E. GO TO GIGS, COMEDY SHOWS, CONCERTS ETC. WHICH ARE COSTLY ENOUGH WITHOUT C***S, SUCH AS YOURSELVES TRYING TO FURTHER RIP OFF THE AVERAGE JOE SOAP, SUCH AS MYSELF, BY CHARGING EXTORTIONATE PRICES. YOU HAVE NO MORALS AND ALTHOUGH WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS LEGAL(AND FUCK KNOWS HOW THAT IS) I WOULD LIKE TO STRESS THE FACT THAT YOU ARE THE MOST ANNOYING OF C***S I HAVE COME ACROSS. ENJOY HELL AS THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE GOING TO END UP YOU STUPID C***S.

Is it just me or have needaticket just used a slang - and absolutely derogatory - phrase for a homosexual? Is it just me or is that conduct umbecoming for a corporate entity? I don't give a shit what language - c**t or otherwise - an individual uses, but a printed comment from the "office" (that's their general opinion folks) of a business that is homophobic and prejudiced is far from acceptable. Kind of like their business practices.

I didn't want to get into this

2008-03-11T09:43:00.003Z

Four major record companies (EMI, Sony BMG, Universal & Warner) have brought a High Court action to compel Eircom to prevent its networks being used for the illegal downloading of music. This is the last desperate sting of a dying wasp. A greedy, uncompromising, and inhumane wasp. I'm going to give my two cents on the supposed reasons that people shouldn't download illegally.

1. It's Illegal
Okay, that is true. But so is withholding royalties, flyposting and price-fixing, and so are payolas. Did illegality stop anyone recording their favourite songs off the radio, or their favourite TV shows/movies off the TV with blank media? Did the MPAA not make the same claim of impending doom when VHS technology came on the market? It is true that there is far more piracy now, but there is also far more content available due to the advent of home recording equipment.

Does it strike you as strange that one of the biggest producers of blank media is Sony (also one of the "Big 4" record companies), when they campaign with wild statistics against the so called robbery of their (not their artists) property? Can corporations like Sony have their cake and eat it too? Yes they can, they always have and they will continue to.

2. It's Immoral
This is where it gets interesting. If we're talking what is immoral here, then so is hiding programmes on CDs that make people's computers vulnerable to viruses, so is bribing radio stations for airplay time, so is withholding legal advice from immature artists, and so is withholding monies from performers. We're not talking about shining lights of morality and righteousness here. I'd say major record labels run a close second only to the petro-chemical industry and the arms manufacturing industry when it comes to a lack of morality.

How can a member of a band (5ive) that sold close to 20 million albums end up working as a postman? Take a look at this example (albeit with roughly drawn figures) to see how it happens.

How can labels through DRM decide that after you have legally purchased an album that you should not make copies or transfer from one device to another? Is it not now your property to do with it as you like? Is it possible to purchase something and not own it?

How come in most cases legal downloads cost as much as hard-copy records when there is no hard-copy and no hard-copy marketing? Is every song on an album really worth 99c?

How can Warner pay it's top five executives over $21million (three times their operating income) in salary and bonuses in the same year that they lay off 1,600 employees and 93 of the 193 artists on their US roster?

I am honestly only scraping the surface of the morality debate here. It's common knowledge that gigging and merchandise is a far more lucrative business for a band than producing an album. There is also a dichotomy where the recent misery of record companies is offset in some part by the explosion of new bands who are home-recording. These bands through the advent of filesharing have found audiences they would never have in the recent past of industry-controlled studios, radio stations and record shops. I believe that this is purely an evolutionary step in the music industry, and that those who do not make the steps to keep up will get left behind. In any industry changes happen and there are re-adjustments - it is the sign of a spoiled and too comfortable industry when instead of remaining dynamic they complain and issue legal challenges. This is the 21st century - the age of digital media - so put your claims of bankruptcy behind you, get with the times, stop ripping people off and drop the calls of immorality. Muppets.

Newsflash: Vatican is "Hip, to it"

2008-03-10T11:23:00.005Z

And the spot prize for stangest press release of the day (possibly the month) goes to the Catholic Church. In another attempt to seem "hip, to it" or "cool as cats" the Vatican has just published it's list of Seven Dealdy Sins for Today. These new sins which were invented over the weekend are designed to make us realise that "In effect, it is more important than ever to pay attention to your sins" says Monsignor Girotti, who happens to be one of the Pope's right-hand men.

The following sins have been listed as mortal sins, which if not confessed mean "eternal death" (translation: Hell. For Ever.). I'm not kidding, you will burn in the lake of fire for ever if you win the lottery or burn normal coal.

- Genetic modification
- Carrying out experiments on humans
- Polluting the environment
- Causing social injustice
- Causing poverty
- Becoming obscenely wealthy
- Taking drugs

Now I can't say what the drug-taking past is of any of the Vatican's employees, or that they've carried out genetic modifications, but I think if you were to look at the Crusades, Spanish Inquisition and the hoarding of Nazi bullion we've just sentenced most members of the Vatican since 1095 to eternal damnation. Oops.

Wow

2008-03-07T16:54:00.005Z

Jaysus hasn't the ould national broadcaster come a long way? They're now doing a carbon-copy micro-site of the BBC's 'BBC Food' website, called uniquely enough'RTE Food'. Its great to see Irish cuisine and culture finally getting all the publicity it deserves, and it can't be long now until our penchant for boiling everything into fluid format catches on across the globe. Boiled meat, boiled greens, boiled potatoes, brown bread and a cup of tea. You can check out some of the recipes here:

Forget It

2008-03-07T10:48:00.008Z

I was going to write a post about who pissed off I am with the inadequacies of our current government with their lack of culpability and the downright Hammer-esque "can't touch this" attitude. Honestly I got so stressed while writing the first paragraph that I had to stop, so here's a different tack :

Vincent Browne: I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice. Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Naive member of public: You could say that.
Vincent: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he's expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate?
NMP: No.
Vincent: Why not?
NMP: 'Cause I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.
Vincent: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know, you can't explain. But you feel it. You felt it your entire life. That there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there. Like a splinter in your mind -- driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?
NMP: Our government?
Vincent: Do you want to know what it is?
[NMP nods his head.]
Miriam: Our government is everywhere, it is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, or when go to church or when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
NMP: What truth?
Vincent: That you are a slave. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. [long pause, sighs] Unfortunately, no one can be told what our government is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.
[In his left hand, Vincent shows a blue pill.]
Vincent: You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. [a red pill is shown in his other hand] You take the red pill and you stay in HSE-land and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Remember -- all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.

Note: Battles incidentally rock and play Vicar St on May 15th

HuckaBYE

2008-03-05T15:35:00.003Z

It's a lonely place out there with only a camouflaged gun and a handful of delegates for company.

Michael Vick are you watching?

2008-03-05T14:36:00.003Z

Is this the funniest website that I've seen this year? Probably.

Selected quotes of brilliance:

Even PETA claim that there are over 500 organized canine sport fights across the US on any given day, and that number is growing fast!

Is this serious?
Serious about making money, yes!

Can I get in trouble?
Mostly no, sometimes yes, but for the sake of argument we'll say no.

What happens to the dogs that don't win?
Since 2005 we've participated in an ecologically conscious worldwide effort, by which all athletes, upon retirement, are composted for the greatest good of the communities we serve, as well as the world in which we live in.

Ah the internets has just become a funnier place since the heady trailblazing days of Bonsai Kitten and ManBeef. It's just amazing that people still get caught out by these websites and call the local paper in outrage. Anyone for DIY Lasik Surgery or a Medical Adoption?

Sniff sniff

2008-02-29T12:39:00.006Z

It's sad really - the program that started this all (friendster, Perez Hilton, paddypowerpoker) has passed away quietly during the night, almost entirely forgotten by seasoned net users and virtually unknown to web 2.0 users. Reminds me a bit of Tommy Flowers really. Saved the world and no-one remembers his name. Congrats to Firefox and Hollywood. Where's the appropriate legacy?

Robbing Bastards

2008-02-28T16:41:00.005Z

You try to do something nice, like buy tickets to a gig for your brother who lives in a different country. But you hate Ticketbastard and their imposed ticketopoly, so decide to use a smaller competitor.

Not so fast open-marketeer! The set of tickets you want from the competitor can't be bought because they only allow the following ticket delivery methods:

1. Post - they only post to billing address, and don't post outside of the US. No dice.
2. Will Call - (the gig goer collects from the box office) you need the credit card used to make the purchase plus a passport/drivers licence of purchaser to collect. No dice.

No wonder that the half-arsed alternative to Ticketbastard is getting squeezed out - they're crap. They have tickets, but you can't buy them.

So I go sod it, I'll use that other shower and buy some other second-string choice. Find some tickets, go to buy and the ticket price magically increases by 50% - all of a sudden there's charges for Building Facility and Order Processing. They have the gall to include a Convenience Charge, but I fail to see the convenience in being robbed by a dirty shower of rats. You have to applaud the neck on them to impose a $2.50 charge per ticket for TicketFast, where you can print the tickets yourself in the comfort of your own home, transferring the ink/paper/time/electricity and associated administrative costs to you, the customer. Beautiful.

So sorry, but nobody's getting presents of tickets from me. Ever.

It's Getting Bumpy

2008-02-28T12:05:00.001Z

The Green Scene

2008-02-28T10:45:00.005Z

I'm one of the gullible fools who voted in the Green Party into government last year. I'm far from happy. The insistence on hiding behind the Mahon Tribunal and refusing to comment on Bertie's shenanigans is grating. Cast your mind back if you will to the heady days of Gormley, Ryan and Sargent in opposition - in the run up to the election last year they were one of the most vociferous voices against Bertie & his cronies. I distinctly remember phrases like "the most corrupt party in western Europe" being slung across the Dail floor, but now all we're hearing is how cabbage is in season now and is a great source of vitamin whogivesafuck (Trevor Sargent press release from yesterday).

I heard 'Minister for Copper Wire Telecoms' Eamon Ryan on Matt Cooper yesterday evening and it was close to denial. He refused to be drawn on the simple question of whether or not he believed Bertie's evidence. "I'm not in a position to give you my opinion on every news story that pops up without knowing the full facts" he said, like this was some story about a dog with five legs or something. It's a "news story" that effects the very moral fibre of democracy in this country! I'm sorry Eamon, but no amount of energy saving lightbulbs or extra insulation in new build housing will get you off the hook for being complicit in the biggest scandal in Irish politics since Charlie robbed money from his good friend Brian Lenihan's liver transplant fund to buy more French shirts.

Grow a spine - whether through solar power or whatever means necessary - and do the right thing.

You've got to be kidding me

2008-02-21T12:45:00.004Z

For a long time I've thought that Cristiano Ronaldo is a twit. In fact, since the very first time I saw him dive on the ground after being manhandled by an imaginary assailant, then roll in agony after being shot by an imaginary sniper I've pretty much thought that he stands for everything that is wrong in soccer. He's a diving, cheating little fucktard.

Well finally someone has figured out a way to take him down. United were away to Lyon in the Champions League last night, and Ronaldo was the victim of a "laser attack". Somebody snuck in what I presume was a flesh-burning laser gun similar to the type found in Sean Connery-era Bond movies. Or it came from the Death Star. Either way it's pretty impressive, and certainly a novel way to rid the world of Ronaldo's gymnastics.

According to the story on BBC, Ronaldo was "targeted by a laser beam", but somehow "had no ill effects in the game." But how could a laser cause no harm? Did he wear armour? Or did he acrobatically avoid the lasers and take out Blofeld or whoever was behind the nasty plot?

You have to read the BBC's story to see the ludicrousity of the situation. A grown man was targeted by a laser pen. A laser pen. I'll say it once more: A LASER PEN. No sir, I am no longer a fan of that sport.

Stinger...

2008-02-19T10:44:00.002Z

...if you bought a HD DVD unit, because you might as well have given the money to the HSE for all the use it'll be within a few months. HD DVD, welcome to the world of technological limbo.

A waste of nanotime

2008-02-14T16:42:00.003Z

Some bunch of scientists have invented nanowires, a fibrous material that if stitched into your clothes can generate power to charge devices like an iPod, a mobile phone or an electric screwdriver - if that was your want.

What I find incredible is that in an age of fuel shortages and energy crises, there are people working on this bullshit. Honestly, is a plug in charger that cumbersome that it needs to be circumnavigated in the race for technological nirvana? "Sorry world but the bad news is that we've no fossil fuels left. The good news however, is that we've figured out a way to let you charge your mp3 player while walking. Onward and upward!"

In related news, there is still no cure for the common cold.

Valentines Gift Idea

2008-02-13T16:34:00.008Z

Everybody loves animals, and it's a dream of just about everybody I've ever met to have an animal head nailed to their study wall. It just oozes class. Unfortunately at this time of political correctness, it's no longer considered the done thing to go out with a high-powered assault rifle and take down a endangered animal.

Thankfully Merikay MacKenna has just the solution - stuffed fake animal head sculptures. Not only can this wonderful artist recreate your favourite animal's head (listed by continent of extraction no less), she can also whip together fantasy creatures and dinosaurs. My faves - which were a real tough list to pick - are listed below:

Unicorn: with braided metallic hair, gold plastic horn and pink hand-painted nostrils

Gorilla: this mighty creature comes in a frame replete with rubber foliage

Pig: I cannot make this any funnier (click image to make bigger and laugh more)

The great thing about the internet is that this crazy lady would have sat in obscurity for her whole life without a website, but now she's running a questionable business due to her questionable talent. So next time you can't think of the ideal gift, think of the ideal stuffed fake animal head sculpture and send that instead.

Bad Move

2008-02-12T17:00:00.001Z

Unlawful, unconstitutional, an infringement of civil liberities, an infrigement of data protection legislation and absolutely impossible anyway. It's the equivalent of asking An Post to open every single envelope, parcel and package that they handle.

That's not important though, because the UK government are planning to make ISPs inspect every single packet that they handle to catch those pesky downloaders (pictured, right).

Policing the net. Best of luck there guys.

Soviet PR Specialist now employed by FAI

2008-02-12T15:43:00.000Z

The Mounties always get their man. And the FAI get...somebody at some point or another who might not speak English. Basically whoever runs away the least farthest is most attractive I suppose.

Well it looks like we've finally trapped someone and blackmailed them into becoming the new Irish soccer manager. Giovanni Trapattoni has been lured away from the ahem, high profile coaching job at Red Bull Salzburg. He's well known for his brand of defensive football, which is great seeing as we have such defensive luminaries as John O'Shea and Ian Harte (still listed in Irish squad on www.fai.ie) in our squad. Considering the fact that he doesn't have a whole load of English it's just as well that he's got that whole body language thing sorted out - it might come in handy when his interpreter can't translate whatever language it is Robbie Keane speaks:

Speaking of the FAI website, there's some classic back-slapping and pretty generous write-ups for the squad:

IAN HARTE:
"Ian wil (that's not my mistake) not be 30 until August, 2007, (or is that) but it seems like dead ball expert Ian Harte has been around for ever."
Too right he's been around for ever, and he's been shit forever too.

GARY DOHERTY:
"Gary is a real Mr. Versatile who is equally at home in defence or attack."
Gary is a real Mr. Potato Head who is more at home anywhere that is not a football field.

JOHN O'SHEA:
"Was impressive at centre-back against Wales in UEFA Championship in November, 2007."
Was impressive against a side ranked 58th in the world who only fielded one striker and were playing for pride and nothing else.

KEVIN KILBANE:
"...his honest hard work help make him an invaluable versatile addition to Ireland's team...powered home a header in the away match to San Marino in February 2007."
Less. Said. The. Better.

It's good to know that somebody rates them anyway...

Wasting of government mindspace

2008-02-08T15:39:00.000Z

Donie Cassidy: Minister for Transport, Toytown

Leader of the Seanad, and regular contributor of rubbish Donie Cassidy believes we should put a 80km/ph speed limit on foreign drivers. That includes immigrants, migrants, tourists and anyone who doesn't happen to be from Ireland. Apparently we should also look at changing the side of the road we drive on, because that's really easy to do. Sure we could alternate for a while to get a feeling for it before we made the move to the right permanently.

We can't even regulate the existing bloody limit, how does he think we could police a whole seperate limit for 10% of the population? Maybe we should microchip all the foreigners when they enter, then the gardai's "radars" could tell them if an approaching car was controlled by a feckless foreigner. All we'd have to do is change the constitution in a few places, sure we could do that the same day we're doing that thing about Lisbon - lash it all in together, confuse people. it works.

Superbowl of cereal

2008-02-06T13:02:00.001Z

Big dail debate on cystic fibrosis following weeks of media uproar - where is Mary Harney? At the superbowl, and that's not on official business either. No fucking wonder we're all dying on trollies.

I've got your Barack brother

2008-02-01T12:01:00.000Z

Another homoerotic hero has opened his big muscular mouth and put his hat in the "ring" to back a presidential candidate. Following on from Chuck Norris (Huckabee), Sylvester Stallone (McCain) and Arnold Schwarznegger (McCain also), the Hulkster is now backing O'Bama all the way to the White House.

Not since the pro-wrestler and Predator star Jesse Ventura's succesful bid to become Minnesota governor has there been so many anabolics in politics. It almost rhymed, you've to give me that.

Rudy: A Brief Electoral History

2008-01-30T08:37:00.000Z

"I'll see your sick Mormon ass in Florida - I'm gonna tear you apart like a 'gator. Rrrrraaaarrr. Like a gator with claws!"

"Hey what's that - New Hampshire?? Is that another state?"

"Oh you're fucking kidding me, there are more than two states?"

"I swear I was this close to losing to Huckabee. Mike Huckabee.I am so done."

Fin

Unbelievable

2008-01-27T21:04:00.001Z

Unbloodybelievable. The Sunday Business Post today published a poll in which 54% of those polled said they did not believe Bertie Ahern's tribunal ramblings. I'm amazed. I'm amazed that 46% of those polled believed him. How crazy does his explanations have to get before people finally click that he's a lying snake? "Well no, that money is actually a transient shape-shifting being that intermittently appears in my account with no record of how it gets there or where it goes." We've got to be so close to a "Few Good Men" style showdown next month, with truth-handling allegations being thrown back and forth between Bertie and Des O'Neill. Wouldn't you be foaming at the mouth if you were O'Neill and you were that close to nailing the slippery eel but he kept on getting away?

Anyway it's obviously not as important as news that Guns N Roses' "Chinese Democracy" album is finished. Done. Ready for release in mid 2008. This rumour (Amazon has been doing pre-orders since 2002!) has circulated many times before but apparently this really is it. Its taken an incredible 16 years for what will surely be one of the most eagerly anticipated albums of all time, maybe even more than Ace of Base's follow up to The Sign (which incidentally went Diamond: Platinum x10). In order to not be the thing which turns Axl Rose into the first Vanilla Ice of the 21st century it's going to have to be well, the greatest rock album of all time. No pressure so. The thing I'm wondering though is does this man look like he could be behind it? He's gone a bit sunburnt Dennis Quaid meets a white Jesse Jackson...

UPDATE: Hear the new leaked track 'Better' here

Good riddance to bad rednecks

2008-01-25T13:48:00.001Z

Fred Thompson (yes that Fred Thompson of Law & Order: Which Franchise now?) has officially pulled out of the race for the Republican nomination for the race for the president of the United States. A lot of racing, and a lot of people looking out of breath already - Mike Puffabee not exempt from poor punnage here either.

Anyway I think it's great that people have realized that he's a turd. The self-styled 21st century Reagan was viewed in some polls as the most conservative of the Republican candidates, with Rudy Giuliani was being viewed as the most liberal (liberal as in one his policies being the construction of a fence between the US and Mexico) - quite the achievement when you consider that scale. His more constructive policies included:

- continuing US mission in Iraq as it is central to war on "Islamo-terrorism"
- greatly expanding the US military
- reducing social scurity benefits
- opposing national healthcare
- making English the official language of the US
- opposing mandatory higher fuel efficiency standards
- doing "more research to determine human impact on global warming" as it would be economically unfeasible for the US to adopt global warming restrictions

Quite the philanthropist. And the character actor. And the loser.

Goodbye Fred, enjoy relative obscurity...

P.S. OK I'll admit that I did add the Godfather 2 style shading on the campaign picture, but you can't deny that he's a total ringer for Count Vigo from Ghostbusters II:

NATIONAL IMPORTANCE

2008-01-22T17:04:00.000Z

Get up off your arses - if there's only one thing that you have to do this year, it's vote for your capital city to be on the new international monopoly. What could be worse than seeing some shitbox like Brussels on the board, and not Dublin? Well Liege could be worse, because it's officially the crappiest, most run down kip I've ever had the misfortune to drive through. If you don't believe me look at the tourist attracttions. Some steps, a deformed puppet that would haunt a child's dreams for years and a coal mine that isn't even in the poxy town. Rubbish.

VOTE. DO IT.

oops

2008-01-22T16:46:00.000Z

Ahem. Quite the hiatus there. So it's been a while since I posted, and not a whole lot has happened.

Obama became the "next president of the USA". Then McCain did. And probably Hillary will.

Kenny Dalglish became the "next Ireland manager". The Houllier did. Then Keegan did. And probably Ronnie Whelan will.

Blue Monday "happened" yesterday. Then it was fine today.

Britney went completely mental. Then even more mental. And probably will go even more mental.

But most importantly, this happened. If you haven't been following the whole Steorn story and/or are unfamiliar with the overunity concept I'd advise maybe doing a little bit of reading before you go "It's a wheel. Cool. Who gives a shit?" If you still think it's boring however, maybe this is more up your alley....

You know it's been a heavy weekend when....

2007-12-17T09:19:00.000Z

.
You put on two belts and don't realise for a few hours. That's what a work xmas party, the 12 pubs of christmas and sunday pints will do to you.

As you can see the Blackberry Pearl is all about photo quality.

The Bertie Supremacy

2007-12-11T14:01:00.001Z

I'm quite happy with my work.

The Drug Problem

2007-12-11T13:20:00.000Z

Isn't it great to see middle Ireland's moral outcry over the recent spate of dodgy cocaine deaths? You can just see all the Range Rover-driving parents of south Dublin crying out about the druggies, unaware that Fionnán and Eva are burning holes in their noses with Daddy's pocket money. See reading a front page spread about a model that died tragically really takes it home to those who prefer to ignore what they see around them.

The problem with all the sudden publicity is that the outcome of all the 'Primetime Investigates’ shows, tabloid feeding frenzies and broadsheet editorials will be much the same as the solution to the heroin epidemic of the 80's/90's: an ironically quick fix. Patch it up and wait for it to explode again. The government policy for dealing with the heroin problem in Ireland was a widespread methadone treatment programme which admittedly did help drive down drug-related personal crime. But the problem was (and still is) that there were no resources given to treatment centres, or to the social reasons why people become addicts. The current number of residential beds available in Dublin to an estimated 14,500 heroin addicts is a shockingly small 200.

So imagine a heroin addict who has a revelation one day and decides to go clean. He calls into a treatment centre and is told that he'll have to wait about a year before a bed becomes available. What chance does this fella have? None. Well maybe a slight one because there's a massive 28 detox beds too. Wexford Town has one of the highest per-capita heroin addictions in the country, yet to receive methadone a user has to travel to Waterford City. This is due to "respectable" pharmacies that would rather flog Vitamin C tablets and self-tanner than actual medicine. Now what happens when the gardai (who have been blatantly ignoring the issue) start to clamp down on cocaine users - they'll go looking for beds that aren't there too.

From what I saw of the Primetime documentary last night it was another gloriously spurned chance to investigate the social issues that surround drug addiction, and instead a focus on the gangs and the mules that are flooding our country with coke. Why does no-one ever look at the societal reasons: we're a cocky, self-sure and young nation with money to burn and fun to be had? Or the community issues, where the easiest way to forget the shitbox you live in is to get high and have fun. To address the problems you have to look at the cause first and the result last.

But sure what do I know, I'm not a TD who needs to win votes and not embarrass the parents who can give them.

Arsehole of the world?

2007-12-04T16:16:00.002Z

A British island which claims that it's the remotest island in the world is fucked. Completely fucked.

Many of Tristan de Cunha's 271 residents have developed severe breathing problems due to acute viral asthma. Their one doctor (exactly) has issued an appeal for medical supplies, but it's not as simple as DHL-ing them. The nearest country is St. Helena, but at almost 2,500km away it's not exactly a short hope on the red line. And they've undoubtedly got their own medical issues too, as they are home to the largest per capita Jehovah's Witness population in the world. So no blood transfusions there I guess.

Both of these countries are part of the British "commonwealth", although St. Helena's economy is a disaster since their string and rope processing businesses vanished in the late 60's. Seriously, I didn't make that up. So not a whole lot of aid from the neighbours either. Planes can't land at Tristan de Cunha as there's no airstrip, and boats from Capetown only come every six weeks or so (see schedule here). There's also no guarantee that they can dock because the island is located in the roaring forties. The sea is so mental down there that there's an uninhabited neighbouring island called "Inacessible Island". Even the tourism pages mention the "rapid changes" in weather.

So you've got viral asthma, there's no medicine and only one doctor for 270 people. Your nearest neighbours are 2,500km away and are idiots (Jehovas Witnesses), your next possible visit from the outside world is January 16th - and that's providing the boat can get close. As I said earlier, fucked.

Take a look at the wiki for the island though - it's got a crazy story from the small gene pool (only eight surnames), to plagues of rats that destroyed crops, invasion by American confederate cruisers, volcanic eruptions, atomic bomb testing (that the islanders were never told about) and a serious lack of alcohol.

I want one

2007-12-04T14:27:00.000Z

It can display the word "idiot". Sold.

Gizza teeebahg

2007-11-29T12:42:00.001Z

Let's all join in and send the prick a teabag

Dig Out Day, December 7th

The good news

2007-11-28T13:56:00.000Z

Feeling evangelical? Want to convince your neighbours that the earth is only 8,000 years old? Yes, I know that conventional geology says that that's about how long it takes to form an inch of limestone, never mind everything. The big problem though is that even after you've added up the ages of all the people in the bible and remembered to take everything in it literally, there's still usually a few snags - ummm fossils are one. Oh yeah and dinosaur bones. Erosion too.

Luckily enough for 100 million+ people worldwide who do believe that the world is less than 10,000 years olf there are now 'creatonist geologists', who are trying to fit the story of Noah's Ark around the planet's history, regularily ignoring carbon-dated evidence and people with brains ("heathens"). There's a book called "The Genesis Flood", in which a relatively obscure, century-old theory of Noah’s flood as the most violent catastrophe in earth history was succesfully revived. The flood - apparently - warped the normal geological processes and caused rapid transformations. Water from the skies and from within the earth (“the floodgates of heaven”) slammed into the oceans, killing the sea creatures and covering the “high mountains,” as it said - apparently - in Genesis. For months afterward, the planet convulsed with earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes. After a brief ice age, the earth became the ecosystem we know today. Apparently. Continents shifted; the water receded; the animals left the ark and spread over the earth.

One question. Just how big was this ark? If it fitted two of every creature in the world it would have used Titanic sized boats for liferaft. So far science has identified over 2 million species that live on earth, with many believing that there is in the region of 30 million. Now if we take the creatonists view that evolution does not happen, we have to believe that every creature that's here now, was here then. So that's 30 million creatures, in pairs. 60 million. On a boat.

Well excitingly enough this list below will help you illustrate what actually happened over the course of Noah's flood, explaining away evolution of both animals and humans. Now some might say that forty days and nights is not long enough but hey, we all saw what happened in the first seven days! And 'he' even rested for one of them, so there!

All wine and no house

2007-11-28T08:45:00.000Z

Ahh poor oul' Amy, she's had to go and cancel all of the remaining shows on her tour because she can't deal with being away from that guy whose surname sounds like a syndrome.

In reality though it's no wonder she's completely fucked - aside from having a pretty meteoric drinking problem (she makes Dudley Moore look like a fucking pioneer), she's been taking daily advice from Pete Doherty.

What kind of daft bint - irrespective of level of pollutedness - would listen to that mangled twat? And what advice could he possibly give? Take up smack, it gives you cool rings under your eyes?

Embarassed?

2007-11-23T12:11:00.000Z

Norn Iron (seen here celebrating winning a corner kick against Iceland) are now ranked above us in the soccer standings. That's nearly as embarassing as being in the car with your racist dad when he's being interviewed by CNN. Or nearly as embarassing as realizing you're on this website. And being Tagg Romney.

It is just me, or does this not make any sense?

2007-11-22T13:17:00.000Z

Was down the tax office this morning getting the motor sorted out. Don't worry, I'm not going to go on about taxes as it's not exactly entertaining. Maybe I'm assuming too much that other things I write about are entertaining...

Anyway the thing is I was wondering what all the different tax classes were, so I downloaded the full "motor vehicle rates of duty" document, and came across this tax band:

- Island Vehicles: €78

Island vehicles?!? Last time I checked, Ireland was an island. According to the Jameson Distillery tour video, it's "Ireland: an island, off an island, off the coast of Europe." It's surrounded by water. It's got indigenous stuff like flowers, wild animals (residents of Limerick City) and tinkers that aren't found anywhere else in the world. According to wikipedia, Ireland is the third largest island in Europe. I also looked at the CIA factbook and they mentioned our island status. However they also said that the "cabinet is appointed by the president with previous nomination by the prime minister and approval of the House of Representatives ", so maybe they're not the most trustworthy source. Eitherways, these mysterious "island" people should have the "mainland" power cut off until they start paying their way. Knackers.

Spread the word

2007-11-16T14:40:00.000Z

Fig. 1: Motley Crabb

Found this wiki on "How to persuade an atheist to become Christian", which details how to turn those vile, logical people into God-fearing puppets who don't question anything. My personal favourite, which is word for word:

As strange as it may sound, Christian music is actually a very powerful weapon when dealing with atheists. Music moves people in ways that words often cannot- introduce your friend to Christian music of any kind, you may be surprised how much it will do.

Yes, a fine belt of glass-half-full advice when dealing with heathens: 4HIM, Christafari, NuWine, The Crabb Family, Jordan's Crossing and (YES!!! YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG) Sixpence none the Richer will instill a Godly joy into even the most bitter of heretics.

So go on, give it a shot - next time you're on the 79 bus to Clondalkin and you see a scruffy young thing in a Kappa shiny, lend him your iPod and a Crabb Family tune. Believe me, you will be suprised at how much it will do...

Best. News. Ever

2007-11-16T12:52:00.000Z

It's over. Not immediately unfortunately, but in 2009 the ginger overlord will finally stop making shit music. "I've kind of decided that the 25 years is going to be enough," he says. I couldn't agree more.

In honour of this momentous occasion, here's two of the rabbit-lover's greatest hits:

Bunny's too tight to mention

Holding back the ears

A well reported fact is that Mick Hucknall was one of thirty-odd people who saw the Sex Pistols play in the Lesser Free Trade Hall in Manchester in 1976 - widely regarded as the most influential British gig of all time. That group of onlookers were so inspired that Joy Division, The Fall, The Smiths and The Buzzcocks were formed. Oh yeah, and the little know record company Factory Records.

To think that fuckwit was there too and somehow thought "saxophones, old style R&B and crooning, that's the future". Why couldn't he have caught a cold or got food poisoning and not went, and not thought about music, and instead stayed in his shitty little house in Denton (part of Manchester) and kept his shitty little lyrics to himself?

Ironic for Hucknall to come from Denton, as it was originally a significant centre for hat manufacturing...

"Ordinary Christians"

2007-11-15T11:24:00.000Z

Some bunch of nutters have barricaded themselves into a cave in Western Russia, apparently awaiting another end-of-the-world scenario. They've armed themselves with explosives and a gas tank, and will commit suicide if the cops try to intervene. Yeah that should scare off the authorities...they're Russian. Does Beslan ring a bell? What about that theater in Moscow?

The end of the world is going to happen sometime next May by the way. So for some reason the bossman decided that they should spend all winter in a cave in sub-zero temperatures. As with all religious leaders, their spiritual guide Pyotr Kuznetsov is leading by example and not living in the cave. This legend was diagnosed with schizophrenia and has been sleeping in a coffin for the last few months. Now that's a guy who's hands you want to put your life in.

The reports from Russian media are fantastic - it's hard to know whats true as they heavily censor media and they are a nation of crazies, but there are some classic quotes. "They are ordinary Christians, they just don't accept tax numbers and passports" said Father Georgy, the local priest. Well it's hardly worth killing yourself and a bunch of kids over it, is it? Apparently a lot of people in Russia have refused their new identification numbers as they contain "satanic combinations of numbers" - yeah it's called a taxable identity. Welcome to the west.

As usual with the Russian authorities, useful information is at a premium: "Their supplies include half a ton of honey and a lot of jam," says Alevtina Volchkova, chief prosecutor of Bekovsky district. And we all know what those sick bastards could do with honey and jam... feel free to pun away about sticky situations and the like, but I'm so above that.

My favourite though is this nugget: "Attempts to coax them out of the cave or at least to release the children have been unsuccessful as the sect members have taken a vow of silence". Brilliant. Creating your own Catch-22. Maybe that should read .22 ...

Well I guess they've tried the politically correct way of police negotiations, it's probably not too long before we see the more 'explosive' style of negotiation that the Russian army prides herself in.

Game Over.

Nothing is sacred

2007-11-12T15:34:00.000Z

It's surely gone too far now. I was able to deal with following:

The A&E waiting times
The overcrowded hospitals
The overcrowded prisons
The third-rate communications infrastructure
The third-rate transport infrastructure
The gross overspending
The wearing of yellow trousers at G8 summits
The undelivered election promises
The Millenium Spire not being built in time
The Millenium clock being a criminal waste of money
The LUAS not being connected
The e-voting machines that are unused and still costing us money
The pay rises
The budget cuts
The stamp duty that I paid last year as a first time buyer
The Garda corruption
The endless tribunals
The cover ups at tribunals

But this, news that a government official 'advised' RTE to not let Professor James Crown (one of the more outspoken critics of the health service) appear on the Late Late on Saturday night amounts to state censorship. It is too far. The rest of the above can be explained away as results of what happens when you let a bunch of muppets take the reigns of a country. Add censorship to the mix and we are now no better than North Korea, Belarus or a whole hose of other poxy countries, run by despots running under the flag of communism and promise of lots of square buildings. Atleast we don't have any square buildings...

2007-11-06T16:57:00.000Z

Now I'm all about bands that test you. Bands that push the envelope, be it lyrically or musically. Bands that grab inspiration from genres that have seen their day (are you listening emo?) and mash them about to create newer, rawer sounds. Case and point: Faith No More, Led Zeppelin, Leftfield, Go! Team etc etc.

What I'm not about is bands that sound like they don't know each other, and recorded each of their pieces secretly. Their "sound" reminds me of that kids game where four kids each draw part of someones body without seeing eachothers picture. It always looks shit. I'm not about bands that sound like they're trying real fucking hard to be the next big thing and are so far up their own arses that they can't hear that what they're recording is turgid shite. Case and point: Bloc Party.

The nicest word I can use to describe the feeling I get when i hear them is "bored". Honestly, what a bunch of self-appreciating postgraduate smugosapiens. They're no more dramatic, insightful, or intellectual than the writers from Dawson's Creek - just some bunch of knobs who own a thesaurus and got christmas presents of instruments from parents that were guilty for sending them to boarding school. Like look at the picture; you'd have more fun with that other mopey tit Morrisey.

So go see Of Montreal on December 8th in the music centre (now called Button Factory, but I won't call it that because it's a ridiculous name for a venue).

This ATM is temporarily out of service

Please tell everyone you know about this

"To be able to step into the job of the presidency on day one"

WTF, McCain FTW?

Absolut gobshite

Pathetic

GYWO now on videobox

Not only soaked, but dumberer

Olympics getting closer as is certain death for misbehaving fans

On a Monday morning too! Disgraceful.

Friday Image

Can you feel the disgust?

Lemony Snickets

Totally Looks Like...

Proof that squirrels are not cute

Google Trends shows me I've gone into internets recession

Beautiful words cannot make our lives better

Friday Image

Winehouse not even funny anymore

Day 8 of the Recession: Pirates taking over

Day Four of the Recession

Weirdest website ever

Tiny dinosaurs and the other 15,930 animals

TFJ to Cindy & John

Just what we need

Buckle Up

Sick

Internets backfires, makes idiot look like an idiot. Online.

National Lampoon's European Vacation II

Lisbon....and on...and on....

The Internets: Critic Central

Breaking News: People's Asses Getting Bigger, Quicker

Mugabe taking piss, making R Kelly judge look good.

Not cool.

Say it with authority and no one will doubt it.

OK so it's been around for a while but it is pretty funny...

Don't want my money? Fine.

Straight Talk Express

4 Years and 49 Weeks On: John McCain is still a Fucktard

5 Years On: Iraq at Peace and Prospering

Mormons: What will they think of next?

Alan Partridge: Catalyst for Magic

Malibu Dave owns himself. Or his speech or something.

Priests: Waaaahkiwn Heeaaaa

Pope confuses sex abuse scandal in US for pricing issue on bibles

Gumtree? Bumfree?

Manakins bodyforms for art projects (Navan) Common as muck these days, although I wonder what they answer would be if you replied with the offer of 72 mannequin heads?

Portishead on Jools at 10pm tonight

Moving to Indio, California

China says: You don't wanna step to this

The Muppet of the Week Award...

Chapayevsk: Not exactly Trabolgan

The Puffed Chests

Breaking News: People reach new (very public) low

Because he's a huge Oasis fan

Embarassing

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO WALK: we shan't miss you

Kids: Shouldn't do Drugs

Chequemate

Hurling: The Emirati sport of choice

Freeters

The great battle of morality

I didn't want to get into this

Newsflash: Vatican is "Hip, to it"

Wow

Forget It

HuckaBYE

Michael Vick are you watching?

Sniff sniff

Robbing Bastards

It's Getting Bumpy

The Green Scene

You've got to be kidding me

Stinger...

A waste of nanotime

Valentines Gift Idea

Bad Move

Soviet PR Specialist now employed by FAI

Wasting of government mindspace

Superbowl of cereal

Manakins bodyforms for art projects (Navan)
Common as muck these days, although I wonder what they answer would be if you replied with the offer of 72 mannequin heads?